"If you [merely] love those who love you, what quality of credit and thanks is that to you? For even the [very] sinners love their lovers (those who love them)."
Luke 6:32 AMP
I'm just going to say it. There are times, usually when I'm on Facebook or the general internet, that I hate the fact that I am tied to this word, 'Christian'.
I wasn't going to write this post tonight. In fact, I have an entirely different post that I started a couple days ago and was going to try and finish. But here I am, and there are some things that I just have to get off my chest.
Why are you saying you don't like that word, Sarah? Don't you consider yourself a Christian??
I'm glad you asked. Yes, I do. And as such, I do my best to live the way the Bible teaches. I'm not great at it, but I'm better than I used to be. I have adopted the attitude of never passing judgment on anyone because we are all equally undeserving of God's mercy that He has offered us. And I'm not even successful with that a lot of times. So none of this is to put condemnation on anyone. But do you think if we are going to be representing Christ on this earth as His body that we could maybe act like it?
See, right there...I got some of your attention. You're all like, Yeah! Amen! But wait just a second. I'm not talking about the people you think I'm talking about. There's a good chance I'm talking about you. (Actually, don't get paranoid, because I'm not running names through my mind as I write this or anything.) I'm not talking moral sin in the way of basic do's and don't's of the Bible.
I'm saying, if you are a true follower of Jesus and are attempting to lead people to Him, it would probably help if you were nice. I can't tell you how many times I see someone arguing the Christian or, dare I say it, conservative side of an argument that I would typically agree with, but I end up wanting to punch them in the face for making the rest of us who aren't ignorant, hateful people look bad.
Yeah, I know that's not a very "Christian" thing for me to want to do.
My point here is that the church has taken this strange turn where we act like we have a right to name-call or speak in a demeaning or condescending way to people just because we believe we are right. You may be right, guess what? Jesus still doesn't want you to talk to people like that.
Well, sometimes the truth hurts, Sarah!
You're right. Sometimes it does...at first. But then it's supposed to set you free. Are you setting anyone free? If the truth you are speaking is your attempt at love, then shouldn't the recipient be able to tell? Because if, to them, you just sound like a rude, jerk, then you're not being very effective in your approach.
Jesus never encountered a sinner that He didn't speak total truth to, but it's interesting, you never read where someone was totally put off and offended by what He said...well, except for the religious people. The sinners just embraced Him because they knew who He was. Do people know who you are? If you never spoke a word to them would they be able to tell Who you're following? The Bible says that they would know us by our love. But the world doesn't see us that way. It's the total opposite actually. Conversely, Jesus was never offended by someone else's sin...well, except for the religious people. He knew that the healthy were not supposed to need a doctor but that the sick did. All of us who call ourselves Christians were once sick too.
Why are we so easily offended by people? Over petty things? Facebook has made it so easy for us to dismiss people with the ability to "un-friend" them. Don't like what someone has to say? No problem, I'll just un-friend them. God will put another laborer in their path.
Now, if you're having this reaction that makes you want to say that I'm all greasy grace and no balance, I will pray that you will (for those who know me) remind yourself of my personality and that I am nothing like that. But I get the feeling a lot of times like we are focused on problems and not solutions. That we are putting a face on our enemy and justifying it to ourselves.
The greatest commandment is to love God and love others, right? Then why is this not the foundation of all our actions and decisions? Is what you are saying (or typing) motivated out of God's pure Agape love? Honestly?? Because maybe you need to evaluate your tone or attitude. You can argue with me on this all day, but think about the fact that you are arguing with someone who is telling you to love someone more. I'm not saying enable someone more. I'm not saying keep your mouth shut and never speak what's on your heart. I'm just saying make sure what's in your heart is filtered through His and that your words line up with His too.
And most importantly, quit being a jerk.
"Let everything you do be done in love (true love to God and man as inspired by God's love for us)." 1 Corinthians 16:14 AMP
"It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]." 1 Corinthians 13:5 AMP
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Plans
I fixed a toilet yesterday. I mean, FIXED it. Took the tank off and replaced all kinds of stuff and everything. I love doing things like that because then I feel really accomplished when it's done. Stay at home Mom, maid, cook, chauffeur, and now plumber. I've always thrived in really structured activities and that's one of those things I have in common with Autism. Anything that comes with step by step instructions, I am all over. Putting toys and furniture together. Fixing things. Recipes. When my brother and I played Legos as kids, I always followed the directions exactly. If I was going to try and build something on my own I was completely lost. To this day, I need a plan. I don't have trouble adjusting or adapting if things go a different way, but to go in with the idea of just totally winging it makes me crazy. If you know the people I am in ministry with, you're laughing right now because this part of my personality has been challenged since the day I met them.
Ironically, Autism is the other thing that has pushed all of my plans over a cliff. I think that is the hardest part for most parents because we all have ideas in our minds of how life will be for our children. School and trips and friends. Autism forces you to re-route everything you had in mind. And then in a strange twist, turns planning out every day tasks into a well-oiled routine necessary for life to continue on this new path. Now, if you were at all spontaneous before, you no longer have that luxury. Granted, kids in general sort of do that, Autism just intensifies it, I guess.
My point here is that I like structure and preparation and planning. But, sometimes no matter how much of that you do, things happen and plans change. Not to mention all of the stuff that you just can't ever prepare yourself for. Bobby is leaving next month for work. He'll be staying in a hotel and coming home about six nights out of the month for three months. This will be the longest we've had to do this for. The difference is that this time I will be over an hour away from everyone that kept me occupied all of the other times. I'm trying to psyche myself up for it and mentally prepare but that includes realizing that I am going to get really emotional in the middle of it. It happens every time. I know it's not the worst thing any couple has ever had to do. It's not like the women whose husbands are over in Afghanistan while they're giving birth or anything. But it will be difficult for us, nonetheless. I will plan as much as I can but when it's midnight and I'm trying to go to sleep in that big bed by myself, it's going to suck. Sure I can turn on the TV but if the boogeyman shows up, I'm on my own. I will be reading a lot of Psalms right before bed, I can assure you. All in all, I know that we'll make it through just like we have every other time, I'm just hoping it goes by quickly.
So that's what I'm currently planning for. I suggest y'all plan for three months of whiny, I-miss-my-husband Facebook posts.
"This is my comfort and consolation in my affliction: that Your word has revived me and given me life."
Psalm 119:50 AMP
Ironically, Autism is the other thing that has pushed all of my plans over a cliff. I think that is the hardest part for most parents because we all have ideas in our minds of how life will be for our children. School and trips and friends. Autism forces you to re-route everything you had in mind. And then in a strange twist, turns planning out every day tasks into a well-oiled routine necessary for life to continue on this new path. Now, if you were at all spontaneous before, you no longer have that luxury. Granted, kids in general sort of do that, Autism just intensifies it, I guess.
My point here is that I like structure and preparation and planning. But, sometimes no matter how much of that you do, things happen and plans change. Not to mention all of the stuff that you just can't ever prepare yourself for. Bobby is leaving next month for work. He'll be staying in a hotel and coming home about six nights out of the month for three months. This will be the longest we've had to do this for. The difference is that this time I will be over an hour away from everyone that kept me occupied all of the other times. I'm trying to psyche myself up for it and mentally prepare but that includes realizing that I am going to get really emotional in the middle of it. It happens every time. I know it's not the worst thing any couple has ever had to do. It's not like the women whose husbands are over in Afghanistan while they're giving birth or anything. But it will be difficult for us, nonetheless. I will plan as much as I can but when it's midnight and I'm trying to go to sleep in that big bed by myself, it's going to suck. Sure I can turn on the TV but if the boogeyman shows up, I'm on my own. I will be reading a lot of Psalms right before bed, I can assure you. All in all, I know that we'll make it through just like we have every other time, I'm just hoping it goes by quickly.
So that's what I'm currently planning for. I suggest y'all plan for three months of whiny, I-miss-my-husband Facebook posts.
"This is my comfort and consolation in my affliction: that Your word has revived me and given me life."
Psalm 119:50 AMP
Friday, September 7, 2012
Apparently, it's not all about me...
The past week has been non-stop. The garage sale is over and I am still recovering. If the amazing Janeil Henderson hadn't helped me out, I don't know how I would have gotten it all done and ready in time. People are for real about their garage sales, let me tell you. We opened the garage door at ten til six and had people waiting for us. We were still trying to move things out into the driveway when they had already started piles and were asking us what we would take for things. It was still so dark out we were having to use our phones as flashlights in the driveway! It was so nuts, but we ended up doing really well so all in all it was a good time.
Apparently, Labor Day weekend is our designated time to steam clean the carpets because we did the same thing last year (http://pevefacefaith.blogspot.com/2011/09/picking-up-slack.html). Bobby also did a lot of cooking and Buddy and I did a lot of laying around trying to come back to life from the garage sale blur. It was perfect for me because quality time is my primary love language. I really wish I had some pictures to share but I'm horrible about stuff like that.
So last night the regular season for the NFL began with a Cowboys win over the Giants. In my world, the beginning of a season doesn't get much better than that. I've been wanting to do a football post, and that is definitely a good springboard for one, but today I've got more important things to say (yes, more important than football).
Gal 6:2-4
2 Bear (endure, carry) one another's burdens and troublesome moral faults, and in this way fulfill and observe perfectly the law of Christ (the Messiah) and complete what is lacking [in your obedience to it]. 3 For if any person thinks himself to be somebody [too important to condescend to shoulder another's load] when he is nobody [of superiority except in his own estimation], he deceives and deludes and cheats himself. 4 But let every person carefully scrutinize and examine and test his own conduct and his own work. He can then have the personal satisfaction and joy of doing something commendable [in itself alone] without [resorting to] boastful comparison with his neighbor.
AMP
I think we've probably heard this verse a thousand times. Maybe we even think we know what it means...maybe we actually do know what it means...but to what extent do we actually obey it? If you read it in context it is talking more about enduring the faults of others with mercy, not necessarily the type of burdens that we usually associate with it. But I believe the word 'burdens', when used figuratively, entails a lot of things, including the trials of life that we all go through, and the emotions that go along with them.
Through this journey I have become very aware of how difficult it is to get someone to become concerned with a cause when that particular cause doesn't affect them personally. It's a sad fact, but fact it is. We are much more concerned with things when they are suddenly thrust into our personal bubble, and are no longer just unfortunate situations that happen to "other" people. My whole life I knew about the dangers of drunk driving, and thought it was horrible and selfish and wrong. But it wasn't until it crashed into me, taking the life of a dear friend (and dear friend's daughter), that it became personal to me. I am now much more aware of what an issue it really is.
The same goes for Autism, obviously. My struggle recently has been the frustration of feeling like no one gets it, really. Please hear my heart, and don't take this as me being judgmental, but people can listen to you and hear what you're telling them all day long, but rarely does it become a burden on their own heart. I am just as guilty of this as the next person. I've been so concerned with Joshua that I felt exempt from having to deal with anyone else's problems because, if I'm being honest, they usually feel miniscule and petty in comparison. But that's just not an acceptable attitude to have. We all have burdens and they're all different. None of us are going to walk the same path and therefore we can't compare ours to anyone else's.
I feel like as the church especially, we could all take a look at ourselves and question how much we think and pray and intercede about things that don't have any effect on us personally. How much time do you spend thinking about what you need to tell someone and correct them on, instead of just interceding for them? How much of your time do you spend in prayer over other people instead of yourself and your family? If we want people to share our burdens, then we have to be available to share theirs, even when we're walking through difficult things ourselves. I'm not saying it's wrong to be focused on things that are close to you, just that I wonder what would happen if we put the same passion into things that are a big deal to others. What would happen if you fought someone else's battle with the same intensity you fought your own?
I think of when Jesus said to seek the kingdom of God above all else and He would make sure all of our needs were met (Matthew 6), and how maybe that applies to bearing someone else's burden even above your own. In America especially, we have been conditioned with a "self-preservation" mindset, even in the church. The focus is fixing yourself, when in reality we are here to serve others and simply allow God to be on the throne of our soul (mind, will, emotions).
I am trying to remind myself of this whenever I get caught up in my little family circle. I try to remember to pray for other people and other things besides Joshua and Autism. I try to remember that we are all at different levels of this walk and there's no judgment or condemnation at any stage. And most of all...it's not all about me.
Apparently, Labor Day weekend is our designated time to steam clean the carpets because we did the same thing last year (http://pevefacefaith.blogspot.com/2011/09/picking-up-slack.html). Bobby also did a lot of cooking and Buddy and I did a lot of laying around trying to come back to life from the garage sale blur. It was perfect for me because quality time is my primary love language. I really wish I had some pictures to share but I'm horrible about stuff like that.
So last night the regular season for the NFL began with a Cowboys win over the Giants. In my world, the beginning of a season doesn't get much better than that. I've been wanting to do a football post, and that is definitely a good springboard for one, but today I've got more important things to say (yes, more important than football).
Gal 6:2-4
2 Bear (endure, carry) one another's burdens and troublesome moral faults, and in this way fulfill and observe perfectly the law of Christ (the Messiah) and complete what is lacking [in your obedience to it]. 3 For if any person thinks himself to be somebody [too important to condescend to shoulder another's load] when he is nobody [of superiority except in his own estimation], he deceives and deludes and cheats himself. 4 But let every person carefully scrutinize and examine and test his own conduct and his own work. He can then have the personal satisfaction and joy of doing something commendable [in itself alone] without [resorting to] boastful comparison with his neighbor.
AMP
I think we've probably heard this verse a thousand times. Maybe we even think we know what it means...maybe we actually do know what it means...but to what extent do we actually obey it? If you read it in context it is talking more about enduring the faults of others with mercy, not necessarily the type of burdens that we usually associate with it. But I believe the word 'burdens', when used figuratively, entails a lot of things, including the trials of life that we all go through, and the emotions that go along with them.
Through this journey I have become very aware of how difficult it is to get someone to become concerned with a cause when that particular cause doesn't affect them personally. It's a sad fact, but fact it is. We are much more concerned with things when they are suddenly thrust into our personal bubble, and are no longer just unfortunate situations that happen to "other" people. My whole life I knew about the dangers of drunk driving, and thought it was horrible and selfish and wrong. But it wasn't until it crashed into me, taking the life of a dear friend (and dear friend's daughter), that it became personal to me. I am now much more aware of what an issue it really is.
The same goes for Autism, obviously. My struggle recently has been the frustration of feeling like no one gets it, really. Please hear my heart, and don't take this as me being judgmental, but people can listen to you and hear what you're telling them all day long, but rarely does it become a burden on their own heart. I am just as guilty of this as the next person. I've been so concerned with Joshua that I felt exempt from having to deal with anyone else's problems because, if I'm being honest, they usually feel miniscule and petty in comparison. But that's just not an acceptable attitude to have. We all have burdens and they're all different. None of us are going to walk the same path and therefore we can't compare ours to anyone else's.
I feel like as the church especially, we could all take a look at ourselves and question how much we think and pray and intercede about things that don't have any effect on us personally. How much time do you spend thinking about what you need to tell someone and correct them on, instead of just interceding for them? How much of your time do you spend in prayer over other people instead of yourself and your family? If we want people to share our burdens, then we have to be available to share theirs, even when we're walking through difficult things ourselves. I'm not saying it's wrong to be focused on things that are close to you, just that I wonder what would happen if we put the same passion into things that are a big deal to others. What would happen if you fought someone else's battle with the same intensity you fought your own?
I think of when Jesus said to seek the kingdom of God above all else and He would make sure all of our needs were met (Matthew 6), and how maybe that applies to bearing someone else's burden even above your own. In America especially, we have been conditioned with a "self-preservation" mindset, even in the church. The focus is fixing yourself, when in reality we are here to serve others and simply allow God to be on the throne of our soul (mind, will, emotions).
I am trying to remind myself of this whenever I get caught up in my little family circle. I try to remember to pray for other people and other things besides Joshua and Autism. I try to remember that we are all at different levels of this walk and there's no judgment or condemnation at any stage. And most of all...it's not all about me.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
This and That
Caleb almost set a teddy bear on fire today.
Yes, I'm serious.
I had just pulled a load of clothes from the dryer and was beginning to fold them on the couch when I look up and see Caleb, who has crawled up onto a chair at the kitchen table, dangling poor Blue Bear over a lit candle, preparing to drop him. I yelled like he was about to catch himself on fire and apparently scared him enough to make him pull the plug on his horrible plan.
He has also pulled a nightstand down on top of him, fallen off a dresser, and busted his nose on the concrete in the past couple weeks alone. Oh and we can't forget a bloody lip last night that we never discovered the cause of. Joshua actually isn't so accident prone anymore. Although, the last thing he did was fall 15 feet from our second story so I'm pretty thankful he's reeled it in some.
Boys.
I've been trying to go through two houses worth of stuff the past couple weeks in an attempt to get ready for a garage sale I'm having this Saturday and it's made me painfully aware of how my babies are not babies anymore. Bags and bags of clothes that I will never put on another infant. We decided we were done after Caleb came along so this is not a new concept for me to wrap my head around, but there's something about seeing those tiny clothes and shoes and blankets that reminds you how little they were and no longer are. All in all though, I'm excited to be cleaning out all of the clutter and getting things more organized around here. Rosh Hashanah is right around the corner and what better time to get a fresh start on things, am I right?
Speaking of which, we are re-applying for the scholarship that has paid for Joshua's ABA so far. We aren't sure what our chances are for a renewal but we figured it couldn't hurt to try. Pray that the progress Joshua has made so far with the program will motivate them to continue helping us. This would be another huge burden lifted from us.
I plan on writing a post solely devoted to football in the next week or so but I have to make mention of how close the season is. Just one week left until I get to pull my hair out over the season opener for the NFL and less than four days until the Longhorns kick off their season in NCAA football. Some people look forward to the holidays, I look forward to this. It's the most wonderful time of the year, after all. Or something like that.
Anyway, how is your week shaping up? Anyone as excited over this upcoming season as I am?
Yes, I'm serious.
I had just pulled a load of clothes from the dryer and was beginning to fold them on the couch when I look up and see Caleb, who has crawled up onto a chair at the kitchen table, dangling poor Blue Bear over a lit candle, preparing to drop him. I yelled like he was about to catch himself on fire and apparently scared him enough to make him pull the plug on his horrible plan.
He has also pulled a nightstand down on top of him, fallen off a dresser, and busted his nose on the concrete in the past couple weeks alone. Oh and we can't forget a bloody lip last night that we never discovered the cause of. Joshua actually isn't so accident prone anymore. Although, the last thing he did was fall 15 feet from our second story so I'm pretty thankful he's reeled it in some.
Boys.
I've been trying to go through two houses worth of stuff the past couple weeks in an attempt to get ready for a garage sale I'm having this Saturday and it's made me painfully aware of how my babies are not babies anymore. Bags and bags of clothes that I will never put on another infant. We decided we were done after Caleb came along so this is not a new concept for me to wrap my head around, but there's something about seeing those tiny clothes and shoes and blankets that reminds you how little they were and no longer are. All in all though, I'm excited to be cleaning out all of the clutter and getting things more organized around here. Rosh Hashanah is right around the corner and what better time to get a fresh start on things, am I right?
Speaking of which, we are re-applying for the scholarship that has paid for Joshua's ABA so far. We aren't sure what our chances are for a renewal but we figured it couldn't hurt to try. Pray that the progress Joshua has made so far with the program will motivate them to continue helping us. This would be another huge burden lifted from us.
I plan on writing a post solely devoted to football in the next week or so but I have to make mention of how close the season is. Just one week left until I get to pull my hair out over the season opener for the NFL and less than four days until the Longhorns kick off their season in NCAA football. Some people look forward to the holidays, I look forward to this. It's the most wonderful time of the year, after all. Or something like that.
Anyway, how is your week shaping up? Anyone as excited over this upcoming season as I am?
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Five. Years. Old.
Josh 1:9
Have not I commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
AMP
One of these days I will post things more than once a month.
I had to take a minute and acknowledge today, August 23, 2012, as being Joshua's fifth birthday. Five. Oh, the things that can fill up five years so easily, so quickly. Bobby and I have always described our years of marriage as "full" years. Our anniversary rolls around and we can't believe how much has happened or changed in such a relatively short amount of time. Kid years, as any of you parents know, are much, much shorter. You always here the cliche, "They grow up so fast," before you have children, but then you have them and you realize it's not cliche (except that it's used so often), it's the absolute, God's-honest truth.
Joshua's first five years have not been the typical years of most children, but they have been overflowing with love, not just from us, but from all of our family and friends. He is adored by so many and we are so very blessed by this awesome support system surrounding us on all sides. From the moment he entered this world, he's been causing us to age at record speed, scaring the crap out of us with his brushes with death. But he has also shown us the hand of God in those same instances, and I have never been more aware of the ever-present host of angels watching over us. He has challenged us and inspired us. He has brought us overwhelming joy and the first glimpse at unconditional love we ever experienced.
His birthdays tend to be very bittersweet for me, because every year passed is another we can't get back, another reminder of the obstacles he is facing. This was supposed to be the year he started kindergarten. I was supposed to be buying school supplies and dropping him off and crying all day over how big he is getting. Instead I am crying over what he is being robbed of and missing out on.
This is where I say screw that.
I am going to celebrate the life of the sweetest boy to ever grace this earth. I am going to be grateful for the privilege of being his mom and getting to walk this walk with him. I am going to praise God for the hope I have in Him that things won't be this way forever and one day (even soon) he will get his first day of school too. The faith I have carries me over the anger and onward to the promise. Joshua has a promise and the passing of time doesn't take away from that. Dwelling on the hard part would be a disservice to him and I won't do it. It's a happy occasion to say he's lived another year and grown leaps and bounds from last year. So I'm going to be happy, dangit!
My baby is five years old today and I'm so happy he's my five year old.
Happy Birthday, Joshua Allen :)
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Emo Coaster
Tonight, I blog.
Lots of times, more so recently, I have to make myself sit down and write. Then there are times like tonight, where the words and thoughts and ramblings are screaming to get out. The emotional and mental overload is too much and I need a way to empty and restart.
I want to start off by saying I would hate for this blog to become my own personal pity party where everything I write about is how hard life is and blah blah blah. If there's something I can't stand it's self-pity and a victim mentality. There are just usually too many things in life to be thankful for when we measure it up against the grand scheme of things, and I hate wasting energy feeling sorry for myself.
Like right now, Joshua is doing so well. He's said, "all done" MORE than once at school (side note: I use the term school loosely. He doesn't attend a typical school, it's an all day ABA program that is basically year round) and is picking up the potty training more and more. He's improving with his use of the picture system they created for him to communicate with and flies through any new programs they give him.
But then there's the flip side to that, which is what has me so needing to write. His gut is in horrible shape and I'm having to decide whether or not to switch him back to only smoothies again.
And so it goes with this thing we call Autism, one step forward, two steps back.
Over and over and over again.
If there was ever a life issue that was an emotional roller coaster, this is it. Something happens that gives my faith a boost, and then that thing seemingly evaporates. Or we have a stretch where it feels like we aren't making any progress, and then all of a sudden Joshua does something big and I'm encouraged right when I need it. Up and down and backwards and around.
I know people wonder why I am doing any of this at all...why I refuse to accept that this is just the way life will be for him...but I'm not sure how anyone who is a parent could ask that question. You never quit fighting for your kids. You just don't.
And then there's this:
"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)." John 10:10 AMP
That is our promise if we believe it. I wouldn't have chosen this ride but I'm thankful for the hope I have for an end.
I mean, after all, you don't jump off a roller coaster right in the middle because you're scared, that would be worse than finishing. So you white-knuckle that bar, scream like a pansy, possibly vomit or wet yourself or both, and just ride that baby to the end. And once it's over, it doesn't seem like it was so bad after all and you're off to the next one.
Great, now I have Red Hot Chili Peppers stuck in my head...
Lots of times, more so recently, I have to make myself sit down and write. Then there are times like tonight, where the words and thoughts and ramblings are screaming to get out. The emotional and mental overload is too much and I need a way to empty and restart.
I want to start off by saying I would hate for this blog to become my own personal pity party where everything I write about is how hard life is and blah blah blah. If there's something I can't stand it's self-pity and a victim mentality. There are just usually too many things in life to be thankful for when we measure it up against the grand scheme of things, and I hate wasting energy feeling sorry for myself.
Like right now, Joshua is doing so well. He's said, "all done" MORE than once at school (side note: I use the term school loosely. He doesn't attend a typical school, it's an all day ABA program that is basically year round) and is picking up the potty training more and more. He's improving with his use of the picture system they created for him to communicate with and flies through any new programs they give him.
But then there's the flip side to that, which is what has me so needing to write. His gut is in horrible shape and I'm having to decide whether or not to switch him back to only smoothies again.
And so it goes with this thing we call Autism, one step forward, two steps back.
Over and over and over again.
If there was ever a life issue that was an emotional roller coaster, this is it. Something happens that gives my faith a boost, and then that thing seemingly evaporates. Or we have a stretch where it feels like we aren't making any progress, and then all of a sudden Joshua does something big and I'm encouraged right when I need it. Up and down and backwards and around.
I know people wonder why I am doing any of this at all...why I refuse to accept that this is just the way life will be for him...but I'm not sure how anyone who is a parent could ask that question. You never quit fighting for your kids. You just don't.
And then there's this:
"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)." John 10:10 AMP
That is our promise if we believe it. I wouldn't have chosen this ride but I'm thankful for the hope I have for an end.
I mean, after all, you don't jump off a roller coaster right in the middle because you're scared, that would be worse than finishing. So you white-knuckle that bar, scream like a pansy, possibly vomit or wet yourself or both, and just ride that baby to the end. And once it's over, it doesn't seem like it was so bad after all and you're off to the next one.
Great, now I have Red Hot Chili Peppers stuck in my head...
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Big Picture
"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."
1 Peter 5:7 AMP
Once again it's been a while since I've written. I have excuses but I won't bore you with them. I'm racking my brain with what has happened since I last updated, but all I can think of is that Joshua is in the middle of potty training. And let me just tell you, for a non-verbal, nearly five year old, he is killing it. Sure, we haven't gotten the pooping in the potty part down yet, but the kid is all on top of the peeing part. He is even beginning to come get me when he needs to go and yesterday attempted to go on his own. I am so excited about all of this I can't even begin to explain it. If you only knew the role poop has played in our lives the last couple of years...Well...it's been too big of a role, I'll put it that way.
Sometimes when I start to contemplate the way life has turned out so totally different than the way Bobby and I envisioned it, I laugh a little...but only to stifle the sob that wants to rise up. Then I think about how much better we are still off than many other people and try to imagine what the bigger picture looks like. Because if you're a believer in God, then there's always a bigger picture. And most often, it's much bigger than we can imagine...and much, much bigger than our tiny bubble of reality.
I know this "A" word has ruined me forever. Even when Joshua is fully recovered, I know in my heart that autism will always be a part of my life in some way. I have faith for right now, and I have faith for our family, but that just isn't big enough. My faith is extending to others in our situation and to the autism epidemic as a whole. I am burdened...so deeply, so intensely there are no words, for the children that are being lost inside themselves.
Most of my day is spent either thinking about autism, or trying not to think about autism. Hope for Joshua isn't hard for me. Hope for this entire generation that is being stolen is hard. It mostly feels overwhelming and impossible but if there's any verse in the Bible most of us have heard a million times it's
"But He said, What is impossible with men is possible with God." Luke 18:27 AMP
I have this need inside me for this season of our lives to count. For it to not be wasted years that we can't get back and in the future we just try to forget. I don't want this journey to be something that happened to us that we struggled through until we made it to the other side...something that we just survived. I want this to be used. I want it to develop something in me. I want to be a better person at the end of it. I don't think I could face myself if when this is over I just say, "Whew! Glad that's done!", and go on with life as business as usual.
It would be justice for Joshua. But it wouldn't be enough.
There's a bigger picture at work here that hasn't fully developed in my mind's eye. It's still blurry and I can't pretend to know what all it entails but I know that if I'm open to it, eventually it will come into focus.
So for right now, I'm not stressing about how we will pay for Joshua's therapy next year. I'm not going to stew over the emotional toll it has taken on Bobby and I. I won't even complain about this never-ending daily routine we've been forced into. Instead, I'll let it all fade into the background of the light at the end of the tunnel where we are embarking on a brand new season of life...one where our personal fight has been won and we are free to fight for others.
"Jesus answered, It was not that this man or his parents sinned, but he was born blind in order that the workings of God should be manifested (displayed and illustrated) in him." John 9:3 AMP
1 Peter 5:7 AMP
Once again it's been a while since I've written. I have excuses but I won't bore you with them. I'm racking my brain with what has happened since I last updated, but all I can think of is that Joshua is in the middle of potty training. And let me just tell you, for a non-verbal, nearly five year old, he is killing it. Sure, we haven't gotten the pooping in the potty part down yet, but the kid is all on top of the peeing part. He is even beginning to come get me when he needs to go and yesterday attempted to go on his own. I am so excited about all of this I can't even begin to explain it. If you only knew the role poop has played in our lives the last couple of years...Well...it's been too big of a role, I'll put it that way.
Sometimes when I start to contemplate the way life has turned out so totally different than the way Bobby and I envisioned it, I laugh a little...but only to stifle the sob that wants to rise up. Then I think about how much better we are still off than many other people and try to imagine what the bigger picture looks like. Because if you're a believer in God, then there's always a bigger picture. And most often, it's much bigger than we can imagine...and much, much bigger than our tiny bubble of reality.
I know this "A" word has ruined me forever. Even when Joshua is fully recovered, I know in my heart that autism will always be a part of my life in some way. I have faith for right now, and I have faith for our family, but that just isn't big enough. My faith is extending to others in our situation and to the autism epidemic as a whole. I am burdened...so deeply, so intensely there are no words, for the children that are being lost inside themselves.
Most of my day is spent either thinking about autism, or trying not to think about autism. Hope for Joshua isn't hard for me. Hope for this entire generation that is being stolen is hard. It mostly feels overwhelming and impossible but if there's any verse in the Bible most of us have heard a million times it's
"But He said, What is impossible with men is possible with God." Luke 18:27 AMP
I have this need inside me for this season of our lives to count. For it to not be wasted years that we can't get back and in the future we just try to forget. I don't want this journey to be something that happened to us that we struggled through until we made it to the other side...something that we just survived. I want this to be used. I want it to develop something in me. I want to be a better person at the end of it. I don't think I could face myself if when this is over I just say, "Whew! Glad that's done!", and go on with life as business as usual.
It would be justice for Joshua. But it wouldn't be enough.
There's a bigger picture at work here that hasn't fully developed in my mind's eye. It's still blurry and I can't pretend to know what all it entails but I know that if I'm open to it, eventually it will come into focus.
So for right now, I'm not stressing about how we will pay for Joshua's therapy next year. I'm not going to stew over the emotional toll it has taken on Bobby and I. I won't even complain about this never-ending daily routine we've been forced into. Instead, I'll let it all fade into the background of the light at the end of the tunnel where we are embarking on a brand new season of life...one where our personal fight has been won and we are free to fight for others.
"Jesus answered, It was not that this man or his parents sinned, but he was born blind in order that the workings of God should be manifested (displayed and illustrated) in him." John 9:3 AMP
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