The Sweetest Boy

Yesterday when I picked Joshua up from "school", one of the new therapists walked him out.  As she finished telling me about his day she told me how incredibly sweet he is (which gave her some brownie points because I hadn't really been sure about her so far).  I just smiled and said, "Yeah, he is."  Because, I mean, what am I going to say?  Thanks?  He's not sweet because of my excellent child-rearing skills, that's for sure.  It's just simply who he is.


As I got in the car and began driving home, I thought about that fact and about all the things I love so much about that little boy.  The thing is, lately I've been thinking a lot about what my stance on this situation says about my relationship with Joshua, or, more accurately, how other people might view it.  There is a school of thought out there that might say because I desire healing for my son, that I'm not truly embracing the person that he is.  That to accept him, I would have to accept his autism as simply part of who he is.  I have battled this idea in my mind for months now because it breaks my heart to think someone might read about my faith for God to heal my son and assume it means I think of him as "less than".  I'm not saying anyone has given me any reason to believe they think that, but if you poke around the internet Autism community long enough it becomes evident that there are others who might view you that way.  And here I am, worrying about what other people think again.


My point in all of this is that I want to make it absolutely clear how much I love Joshua just as he is right this moment.  I don't need him to be healed before I can see the individual characteristics that God has given him or imagine the type of man he would make.  I'm his mother, and therefore my bond with him isn't contingent on any type of condition.  What I think of his value as a person isn't more or less depending on his level of function.  I simply believe/know that God always wants to heal.  If you can find one time in the Bible that Jesus passed by someone who needed healing and told them, "No, I'm not going to heal you.  This is going to make you humble." , then please point it out to me because I would be shocked.  I look at this through the eyes of John 10:10, "The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)."  It's a verse I must hear in my head at least a few times a day, every day, and I know it's to remind me not to settle for less.


So let me get back to Joshua and all of the things that make him a perfect little boy.  I did a Bio post on Caleb, but I never got around to doing any others, so I thought this was a good set up for Joshua.  First, I really need to elaborate on the therapist pointing out how sweet he is.  Because if you spend any time around Joshua, you'll notice, he's not sweet in a typical, all-four-year-olds-are-so-sweet way.  It's like he has this deep type of goodness down inside him.  Like the kindness that most people only develop with age and life experience.  I might be romanticizing it a little, being his momma and all, and he's still a four year old so it's not like he walks around on this glowing cloud all day long in a land of no tantrums...but mostly, he makes me want to be a kinder person.  


Sometimes I feel like he has so much depth to him and is probably having all of these really philisophical thoughts, but then I remember that he is still just a little boy and who knows, he might be thinking about how badly he wants some Cheetos.  Even so, I firmly believe he understands more about what is going on than we think he does. 


He loves playing outside and would probably stay out there all day if we let him.  He is happy and hilarious and can always make me smile.  He is particular and independent.  He knows what he wants, and what he doesn't want.  He is, plain and simple, gorgeous.  I make myself not think about all of the little girls that will be vying for his attention one of these days.  He is smart and resourceful in ways that let me know he is capable of complex thought, even if he can't verbally communicate it.


All of these things make up who he is, but Autism isn't one of them.  To me, it is simply an intruder.  Something that doesn't make him less perfect, but is robbing him of a full, abundant life.  I loved him to completion the first second I laid eyes on him, and no amount of circumstances could change that.  I simply want the best possible for him,  and I still believe that with God ALL things are possible.