Joshua Houdini

I'm Mom of the Year!! Lol, jk, not really.  And you're about to find out why not.  The last few days have been...trying.  To say the least.  By the time evening rolls around, I am exhausted beyond comprehension (for someone like me who has always been a night owl) and I am hounded by the feeling that when it comes to this parenting stuff I am terribly inadequate.  Let me explain...


Yesterday afternoon I was rushing around the kitchen, blending up Joshua's smoothies for the next 24 hours and starting dinner.  Caleb was upstairs gated into the bedroom watching a movie...sort of his timeout for when he refuses to listen to me downstairs and mostly so I could actually get something done.  Joshua was pulling on me to take him in the backyard to play and my plan was to finish up what I was doing, get dinner in the oven, and then grab Caleb and take them both out together.  But Joshua was so persistent I finally let him out by himself and kept an eye on him through the window over the sink.  We have a high, wooden fence around our backyard, with a gate that latches pretty high up.  Lately, he's attempted to open it a couple times but has never really been successful, plus I was watching him like a hawk through the window.  He kept coming back to the door trying to get me to come out and push him on the swing and finally gave up and climbed into the trampoline and started jumping.  


Bobby was calling on his way home from work so I answered the phone as I stood watching Joshua bounce around.  Then he starts telling me something that is making me have to hold back a small panic attack.  His company is switching insurance carriers, which opens up a giant box of questions in my mind about what this means for Joshua's ABA therapy that has been such a help to him lately.  I don't know if they are in network with the new insurance, I don't know how this will affect our scholarship, and I'm not even sure ABA will be covered under the new policy.  All of these thoughts are falling out of my head when suddenly I look back up through the window into the backyard and don't see Joshua on the trampoline.  I glance around the yard, still don't see him, so I walk outside and check around the corner where the gate is.  It's still closed (and I have assumed it's been locked).  I walk to the other side of the house where I've seen him wander over to the A/C unit lately, and he's not there either.  I hang up on Bobby and run into the house.  Maybe he came back in again and I was so distracted by the phone conversation I didn't see him...


He's nowhere.


I run back outside into the yard thinking maybe he was hiding somehow...I still don't see him.  I run toward the gate (only to realize it's not locked) and out into the front yard.  I look up and down our street and see no sign of him.  There is a clear view from one end to the other and I don't see him so I think maybe I missed him inside.  I check inside again and...


Nothing.  


The front yard and down the street again...Nothing.


One more time through the backyard and into the house and...Nothing.  I grab my phone with the intention of dialing 911 and as I walk out into the front yard one more time...Thank You, Jesus...


A group of young kids and one adult woman are walking down the sidewalk, glancing and pointing at all of the houses as they pass, and the woman is holding the hand of a little four year old boy wearing only blue jeans.  I sprinted across the yard and scooped him up, only seconds from becoming a hysterical, snotty mess.  She tells me she saw him walking down the middle of their street (a road perpendicular to ours that ends in a cul-de-sac) and she told one of the kids to grab him.  One of the little girls had actually seen him coming out of the gate and was trying to remember which house it had been when I saw them.  Somewhere in between my thank-yous and rambling I had blurted out that he had Autism, and she smiled and said they had a cousin with Autism and she recognized it the second she saw him strolling down the street.  We talked for a second while I calmed down, holding Joshua to my chest like I might never let go of him again, and she mentioned how scary it was because most of the cars on this road are speeding, on their way into the adjoining neighborhood section.  I agreed, but didn't mention how the entire time I couldn't find him all I could think about was a blog post I had read talking about numerous children with Autism who had been killed because they wandered from their homes and were hit by cars.  The issue being, as it is in so many different instances, that they have no concept of danger.


Eventually I took him back inside and sucked up enough courage to call Bobby and explain to him why I had hung up on him so abruptly.  


So that might have been enough to give me early gray hair, but then today happened too.


Bobby was outside on the grill, and I was cooking in the kitchen when our doorbell rings, and what do ya know?  It's another neighbor holding the hand of a sweet little boy in footie pajamas.  I didn't even know he was gone.  I am pretty certain he snuck out behind me through the garage when I went out to our extra freezer, but I never saw even a glimpse of him come out of the house.  This time was less of an anxiety attack, because it didn't involve a frantic search...but the fact that I didn't notice he was gone before someone had already brought him back (from the whole other end of a street, I might add) is weighing on me.  


It's the kind of thing people hear about on the news and think to themselves, "Well just what was his mother doing while he was off traipsing through the neighborhood?".  I'm the first one to blame, and admittedly, if there is someone to blame it would have to be me.  It can't be him, he doesn't know any better.  At this point all I can do is take extra care to lock the gate, and close doors behind me...maybe add a few more locks.  But mostly, thank Jesus He is watching out over all of us.  


And that when I'm throwing my hands up in the air saying, "Are you kidding me??  I'm not cut out for this!  I'm not the one!!  I've never been someone anyone would expect to be able to handle all of this!!", He's reminding me that it's not mine to carry anyway.  And that even when I try to carry it...ALL of it, He's catching what I let fall through until I just finally hand it back over.  I can handle feeling insufficient at times because I know that He is more than enough.  I can knock back self-pity because I know that I have something many people in the same or worse situations don't have, and that's hope.  Tonight my emotions may have me feeling broken down but my spirit is still clinging to that anchor, and I know tomorrow is a new day, with new mercies, and enough grace to command joy for one more day.


And thank You, Lord, for good neighbors.


"I tell you, He will defend and protect and avenge them speedily.  However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find [persistence in] faith on the earth?"
Luke 18:8 AMP