It's happening.

     I've been listening to myself a little closer lately and I'm beginning to realize how much like a mom I sound.  Not just because of typical sayings, but perceptions too.  When I hear a story, when someone wants to make plans, when I consider politics...everything has a mom undercurrent in my brain.  I'm only bringing this up because it's so unlike me.  Well...it's so unlike the pre-children me and the basest form of me.  But I'll get back to that part later.
     The thing I've heard myself saying the most lately is, "It's happening."  Let me use a hypothetical/probably-already-happened-before situation to illustrate.
     I am attempting to get the boys ready to leave the house.  It's finally time for me to put Joshua's shoes on him.  He resists.  I continue to chase his foot around with a sock.  He whines and continues to refuse.  I say something like, "Joshua, we are going to put your shoes on before we leave the house.  It's happening.  You can throw a fit all you want, but the shoes are happening."  Occasionally this is followed by another saying, "Those are the rules."  It also works for Caleb trying to squirm away every single time I change his diaper.  I've tried explaining to him that until he learns how to use the potty this is just going to be a fact of life he has to get used to, but he's not swayed by my logic.  Either that or he's 17 months old and has no clue what I'm saying to him.  It's one or the other.
     I would like to point out though, that I'm not as strict as that scenario might have led you to believe.  There have been plenty of times I've decided to let him win the shoe battle and concede to just putting the shoes on before we get out of the car to go into whatever the destination may be.  Many of you may be thinking that I should be consistent with my discipline.  And you're right.  But if there is one thing I have learned so far in having a special needs child, it's that parenthood doesn't always go the way you envisioned it before you actually had children.  Before I had kids, I was in the, "I'll never let my kids..." group.  Before Joshua's delays set in I was also in the highly populated, "If he was mine, I would..." group.  But that was before the immaturity and arrogance got slapped out of me by reality.  I don't have the luxury of teaching typical discipline, and yes, it IS a luxury.  All the things I thought I would solve with a butt whippin', can't be solved that way anymore.  I could spank Joshua until someone called CPS on me (which, for the record I would not do), he still isn't going to sit still in a chair (without entertainment) in a waiting room.  I've also figured out that while he does understand the word 'no' to an extent, he doesn't always obey right away or without prompting and it almost never sticks in his mind that he isn't allowed to do it anymore.  All he knows is you don't want him to do it right now, ten minutes from now is a whole new situation.
     What I use mostly in my child-rearing now is patience.  Not always and not to perfection, but more than I ever imagined was possible in my "my-life-is-just-about-me" days.  I also rely pretty heavily on my easy-going nature.  You might want to take everything that's not a toy away from your toddler and tell him 'no' all day long, but I don't have the energy for that.  If it's not going to cause him bodily harm or bring harm to the actual object, I say let him have it.  If Caleb is fussy and all he wants is to carry my hairbrush around the house, I'm giving the kid the hairbrush.  If he wants to dig silverware out of the dishwasher while I'm trying to load it, I'm going to hand him a clean plastic spoon so he can run off with it like he stole it from Bed, Bath and Beyond.  I've figured out that the more they think they're not supposed to have it, the happier they are that they do.  Sounds like most adults I know, as well.
     Back to this not being me.  I mean, I know none of us think we will ever say the things our parents said to us and then we all eventually do.  But I guess I'm just thinking about things like the patience and how before I had kids, I had none.  For anyone or anything.  Joshua came along and all of a sudden the patience was never-ending.  Like I brought it home from the hospital with him.  It's stretched a little thin since then, but any time I make myself take a breath and a step back, I find it again.  I think it's powered by gratefulness, which is another thing I didn't possess as much of before kids (and Bobby).  I struggled for so long with finding any worth in myself that it was difficult being grateful for life in it's simplest form.  Air in my lungs, a roof over my head, etc.  But I was always grateful for the people in my life.  So when the people I love more than anything else came along, thankfulness began to spill out everywhere.  I think I was shocked at what I'd been given compared to what I thought I deserved.
     It's like with Joshua.  When he was born and wasn't breathing, those few minutes of silence were gut-wrenching.  All I wanted for the rest of my life was to hear that baby cry.  So when he did, I promised myself I would never be angry or impatient with his crying because it meant he was breathing.  And it still works every time.  Now that he is four and non-verbal, I've had people tell me, "Well when he finally starts to talk you'll be wishing he would stop."  And, yeah, I get the joke...but all I can think is, No...I won't.  I am going to let that little boy talk and talk and talk some more.  And when he's asked me twenty questions in twenty minutes I will still be thanking God that I can have a conversation with my baby.
     And with Caleb.  I think I get extra excited over every little 'first' because he's starting to do things that Joshua hasn't yet, which takes weight off of me with every milestone.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that all of this has made me more appreciative, more patient...more willing to hope and believe.  Being a mom has made me a better person.  If I'm being honest I would have to say that I never liked the idea of me being a mom becoming my identifier.  I didn't want that to be all my life was.  But now I'm realizing how it's impossible for it to not be.  It's so in me.  It literally IS what I am.  I know this must sound strange, but I just didn't expect to ever be Ok with feeling like a real mom.  I wanted to have children, and stay at home with them, and be a really awesome mom...I just didn't want to be a MOM-mom.  I don't even know how to explain that but there it is.  And guess what??  I'm a MOM-mom, now.  My life is my kids and I couldn't have it any other way.