I Can't Wait

     I'm having a moment.  I've been having quite a few "moments" lately, actually.  My guess is that the culprit(s) are these female hormones I am so very blessed to carry around with me.  Apparently hormones sharpen my already stellar sarcasm skills, as well.  Good to know.
     Now back to this moment...
     I'm thinking that I hate autism.  I'm thinking that if autism were a person, I would spend the rest of my life doing prison ministry because I would violently murder it.  I'm just being honest.  It's straight out of the pit of hell and I make no apologies for saying so.  There are some people who have suggested that it is possibly a 'gift', some blessing in disguise.  And while I can see God working things out in myself and my family in the midst of this trial, I would have to wholeheartedly disagree.
     It sounds spiritual and makes us want to pat ourselves on the back for being so positive, but it's just plain not scriptural.  There is this anger that has risen in me over the lack of true belief in the professing church these days.  Not anger at people, but anger at the lie they've believed.  Somewhere along the way the church bought into the secular version of hope instead of God's version.  Unfortunately, I've even seen non-believers demonstrate more faith than so-called believers.  I will concede that God has done some amazing things in the lives of some people with disabilities and diseases.  That in spite of all odds, some are able to accomplish great things and I really do love seeing stories like that because it demonstrates our sheer will as humans to live life to the fullest we can manage.  But, as a believer in Jesus, I think it is our responsibility to believe for and expect more than that.
     I rarely see the people of God daring to believe for a complete and total miracle any more.  I've had people (with good intentions) try to comfort me with all the awesome things people with autism have done.  And in my mind I'm thinking, "That's great.  But he will not have autism for the rest of his life."  The church has such a reputation of hypocrisy and I think this subject might be the worst example of it.  Even though no one looks at it that way.  It's robbed the body of Christ and I'm sick of it.  Stop being led by fear and have the courage to trust God's word!  Have the boldness to stand on the covenant promises that the blood of Jesus bought and say, "I will not settle for anything less than abundant life."  You know what isn't included in abundant life?  Sickness, disease, disorder, lack, fear, addiction, depression...none of it gets to stay.  That is, if you can recognize it all as defeat instead of accepting them as a part of life.  The Bible says we have not, because we ask not.  What have we not been asking for?  I've had it put to me this way as well...What are we not contending for?  If we are satisfied with less then that's what we get.
     I cannot be satisfied with God doing things in Joshua's life despite his autism.  I will only be satisfied with him being totally healed from it.  Period.  End of story.  Sometimes my heart feels like it's being put through the ringer because I'm choosing this path of belief.  Doubt tries to creep in and paralyze me with fear that it won't ever happen.  But every day I choose to stand and contend, I feel more secured by my faith instead of exposed by it.  Instead of vulnerable, I feel hedged in, covered by the shadow of the Almighty.
     The thing that makes me hate autism most is that it has stolen Joshua's voice (for now).  I've never heard my four year old tell me he loves me.  I've never heard him yell, "Momma!" and run to me when I walk through the door.  I can't talk to him about how his day at school went or get him to understand how I love him so much that I will never be the same person because of it.
     BUT.  There are times when, out of nowhere, he will make eye contact with me and hold it for what seems like an eternity.  He stares into my eyes so deeply that I know he wants to tell me something and just can't manage it yet.  I never feel the bond with him stronger than I do in those moments because it's like he knows just when I need it.  These are the times that my faith is reinforced.  It's like he's saying, "Hang in there, Momma.  I'm stuck in here right now, but I won't be for long.  We'll be able to talk soon."
     And I think, "I can't wait, baby."