A Letter to My Boys

James 1:5
 If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him. 
AMP

Acts 17:27

 So that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel after Him and find Him, although He is not far from each one of us. 

AMP

Heb 11:6

 But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out]. 

AMP

Luke 11:10

For everyone who asks and keeps on asking receives; and he who seeks and keeps on seeking finds; and to him who knocks and keeps on knocking, the door shall be opened. 

AMP

Sweet boys,

It is one of my deepest hopes that I will raise you to seek God for yourselves.  That I will never present Jesus to you simply as I have found Him, but that I will encourage you to seek and find Him on your own.  I pray that religion never grabs hold of you and squelches your questions.  God is not bothered or angered by your questions.  He created you with an innate desire to seek Him out and how can we seek or gain wisdom if we never ask questions?  Questioning and doubting are not synonymous. If you only ever accept what you are told by others, what you will be left with is a dead shell of religion.  You will know about God, but you will not know Him.  My desire is that you know Him, and His character personally.  You can be taught and learn from others and I can teach you what I have learned, but it won't be real to you when it matters.  For faith to manifest in your heart you must seek and question and prod and knock and ask with earnest expectation of being answered. It doesn't scare me to encourage you to do this, because I know that He is faithful to reveal Himself to everyone who looks for Him with a pure and genuine motive.  I don't want to push Christianity on you, I want to point you in the direction of the Christ, so you can see and hear with your own eyes and ears.  Never let me scold you for asking difficult questions, but remind me of this letter and that it is your spirit crying out to know and be known.  And most of all...

"May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love, that you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God's devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth and length and height and depth [of it]; [That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]! "

Ephesians 3:17-19 AMP

Taking Notice

There is no way today is only Tuesday.  It should be Thursday, at least.  This past weekend was one where my children conspired against me in an attempt to test my mental strength.  I'm still recovering, and apparently, so are the days of the week, otherwise they wouldn't be dragging like...like...something that moves very slowly.  See?  Still recovering.

Most of the time life moves on effortlessly.  Each day fades into the next until very few things seem extraordinary or worth writing about.  Life in general gets taken for granted and I wake up every morning and just go about our routine without taking much notice of what's happening.  And then there are days like today where something stops me and I look around and think, "When did this happen?"

When did I become a wife and mother of two small boys?  The sheer absurdity of it all hits me like I've never thought about it before.  I have been married for six entire years.  And I'm not even close to sick of him yet.  I actually grew not one, but two tiny humans in my own body. I then delivered them into the world in a way that leaves every woman who experiences it changed forever, and am now actually responsible for not only keeping them alive, but making sure they grow up into good men who treat women with respect, love God, and don't act like butt holes.  Me.  It's so silly it would almost make me want to laugh if I wasn't also painfully aware of the gravity of this job I've been given.

And that's where my sanity is truly tested.  This overwhelming task that seems like it was meant for someone else, some better equipped female, weighs heavier on my heart than anything else in my life at the moment.  I have this mom-guilt issue that plagues me.  There are very few days, if any, that I make it through without feeling guilty for something, even if it's just a little.  I have this feeling like some other Super Mom out there would have had Joshua recovered by now.  Someone else would have found the key already.  Someone else would split their time between the two boys better than I would.  Someone else would have more patience and be more fun and teach them more.

Then all of a sudden I'm reminded that these are my children for a reason.  And I haven't gotten this far with them on my own.  In addition to having had them with the best possible man for the job, it was God who formed them in the womb, and He is the one who will help shape them.  We aren't doing this alone.  And I couldn't be more thankful for that.

Also, that man I mentioned keeps me sane by simply still putting up with me and not leaving me to figure this out on my own.  I have so much respect for single parents because I cannot imagine doing this by myself.  But there is something about our journey specifically that has bonded Bobby and I more than even just having children did.  Autism has the opposite effect on many couples, but for us it really has made us stronger and galvanized our resolve to stay together for better or worse.

So whenever I glance around and take notice of this life that still sometimes seems above me, I am not only shocked that I've made it this far, but I am also extremely humbled by the plan that seems to be unfolding.  I am never more aware that there is a bigger picture at work than when I see these two boys growing before my very eyes.  And the hand of God has never been more evident in my life than it is right now.

Work it Out

The man is home for his day off today and I sent him out this morning to take Joshua to school.  Is that wrong?  I had planned on taking him myself and then going to the gym, but the same little boy woke up at four this morning and didn't go back to sleep until about six.  I really needed a wake-up-slow-with-a-cup-of-coffee morning to be of any use for the rest of the day.  And also Bobby really likes when he gets to be there to bring or pick him up.  I got a good one that way.

Caleb has been running a fever for a couple of days so he's been pretty sedate, mostly laying on the couch or playing with his iPad (Yes, my not-yet-three year old has an iPad, it's to keep him from fighting with Joshua over his...don't judge me).  And I have to be honest, the lack of whining and running around like a small crazy person has been pretty nice.  Not that I'm happy the kid has been sick...I'm just sayin', calm is a welcomed state in this house.

So maybe I lied about being able to post on here more often with Bobby being gone.  I have aspirations of posting a few times a week and eventually working my way up to every day.  Grandiose ideas and plans are my specialty.  Unfortunately, follow-through with said ideas and plans is not.  I've been writing down ideas for posts lately as I think of them throughout the day to help my motivation.  So far I have one.  And it's not what I'm writing about today.  Sometimes I feel like I need a brain organizer.

Today I'm thinking about working out my faith with small victories.  Stepping stones that will inevitably lead to the big victory.  This seems to be a theme for the state of my faith in the last few years.  For whatever the reason, God is intent on Bobby and I walking out every single path one baby step at a time.  The all at once, easy button kind of stuff just doesn't happen for us.  I'm convinced it's because we are being prepared and taught and blah blah blah.  Lately I am finding it difficult to be patient with the process.  Hence the return to celebrating small victories.  If it's not going to happen over night, I might as well appreciate each new step as it comes, since it is one more step in the right direction.  Even though it usually feels like a drop in the ocean.

Every day I pick Joshua up whatever therapist he had for the day tells me how awesome he is doing and how they're all so excited about the progress he is making.  This week one of them told me he can actually arrange the letters in his name to spell it correctly.  I called her a liar but she assured me she wasn't so I guess I should believe her.  One of these days I will be able to go and watch him do some of this stuff I've never seen but am told he can do.  I catch glimpses at home, but he is serious about home time being his time to do whatever he wants and who can blame him after following such a strict schedule for the majority of the week?  My point here is that while we are so focused on his speech (which we should be) sometimes I forget that the other things he is beginning to do like imitation are essential to his learning to talk.  And the more we learn what is locked inside him, the more excited I get about the day he finally begins to speak because I know all of the rest of his knowledge will just fall out of him.  I am very hopeful that he could quickly begin to catch up academically if we could just get him to start talking.

Another small victory: potty training.  And I hope you see that me calling that a "small victory" is sarcasm.  We are very close to him being totally potty trained and that is nothing short of miraculous, people.

I am also seeing Bobby being gone right now as just a step toward progress.  The next few months will be difficult, but they will also be invaluable to his future career.  Getting this job behind him means taking the next step in being where he wants to be.

And that seems to be life for the moment...always looking ahead to where the present is taking us, while at  the same time, trying to enjoy the present for what it is itself.  Faith has really began to feel like exercise.  The more I work it out, the stronger and more powerful it gets.  But sometimes, I just get plain lazy and it starts to atrophy like muscles would.  Laziness isn't just a physical thing, you know.  It's very much more likely to present itself mentally and spiritually, the secret is knowing and recognizing it.  You can't go on thinking every thought that falls into your head if you want to maintain or grow your faith.  Just like you can't lay around on the couch every day expecting to get six-pack abs.  If there is anything I've learned since becoming an adult (which I have a hard time believing has even happened yet), it's that nothing that is worth anything comes easily or without work and effort.

So that's where I am at the moment, getting back into working out my faith.  Anyone care to join me? (I've also been working out my body and totally intend on getting that six-pack.  Or at least a pair of abs.)

"Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are they who keep His testimonies, and who SEEK, INQUIRE for and of Him and CRAVE Him with the whole heart."
Psalm 119:2 AMP (emphasis mine...notice they are all action words)

The Man Leaves and the New Year Begins

So...I didn't finish my month of thanks posts.  I missed the last one and now I feel like it's too late to write it. Let's just say I am very thankful for every single thing in my life I could possibly be thankful for.

The last month and a half has been a blur and this morning Bobby finally left for his turnaround at work.  I say finally not because I've been ready and waiting for it, but because the date was pushed back a couple of months and we've both been counting the days with dread ever since.  The good news is now that it's here, we can get through it and move on.

I'm feeling pretty upset, much more upset about it than I have ever been in the past when we've had to do this.  The combination of this being much longer than he's ever had to be gone, and me being over an hour away from anybody else, with two much more active children is a little overwhelming, to say the least.  At any rate, now my only option is to put on my big girl panties and deal with it (which, by the way, I really don't want to do).  What helps this is that there is some upside, no matter how small it is in comparison to having to sleep in that big bed by myself.

The first perk to Bobby being gone is that I will probably be posting much more often on here than I have recently.  Typically, evenings and nights are our only time to spend together so now I will have more free time to write or whatever else I don't get much extra time for like reading.  Something else I have to confess I always look forward to is not having the pressure to cook anything for dinner other than what I feel like eating or the pressure to cook anything at all if I don't want to.  Bobby is really good about letting me off the hook if I don't feel like cooking but our taste in food can be pretty different so now I plan on going through all of those Pinterest recipes of things that sound awesome to me, but I wouldn't be very sure he would like.

Those two things are basically it for the good things that happen while Bobby is gone.  Although I do look forward to having friends come and stay too.  So three things then.

Bottom line, the man is gone, and neither of us are very happy about it.

In other news, the rest of the Gregorian Calendar-following world is moving right along into the new year, complete with resolutions that are sure to be dropped by about February first.  I was thinking to myself the other day that I was glad I had started going to the gym back in November and not as a resolution, because with the expectation that resolutions usually fail being nearly a rule of human nature, I might not be sticking with it as well.  And now I've been told that the first couple months of the year are the worst because the people who made health resolutions decide to jump on the gym bandwagon, taking all the space and machines and whatnot.

In school they always made us write an essay about resolutions and I always hated that.  I mean, what kind of things do 12 year-olds resolve to do better in the upcoming year?  I was pretty convinced, and still am, that it was just busy work to ease the students, or more likely, the teacher, back into the school routine.  Today I am feeling the need to slowly fade back into our normal routine as well, so no judgment here.

So as I lounge here on the couch at 10:30 a.m., already thinking about a nap, I will consider the things I would like to work on throughout the coming year, without calling them "resolutions", because as I've already established, resolutions don't work.

What about all of you?  Resolutions or no resolutions?

Month of Thanks (Week Three)

Joshua woke up with a fever Friday morning that lasted off and on for the rest of the day. It's Monday and the poor baby is still getting over whatever he had.  No fever, but he hasn't eaten or drank much and isn't doing a lot more than laying around.  I felt guilty for leaving (I had the final weekend of Ladies' Retreat to get to), but baby sitter extraordinaire, Meredith was here and Bobby wasn't far behind so I told myself they could give medicine as easily as I could and was on my way.  I also bought the coolest thermometer ever because a typical thermometer is out of the question for Joshua.  You just point it at the forehead and sweep the beam towards the temple like you're scanning groceries at the self-checkout and it gives you the temp. in three seconds!  I always feel a little robbed when I think about how it's almost 2013 and we still don't all drive hover crafts, but technology like that sort of makes up for it.

All of this leads me to being grateful so here is week three (actually eight days because there are 16 days left in November) of the Month of Thanks.

15.  Healthy children.  Although I realize that Joshua is not completely healthy, I do believe he will be one day, and as difficult as ASD is, we are blessed in that he doesn't have some of the behavior issues or other problems like seizures that many children on the Spectrum do.  He also isn't stuck in a hospital with Leukemia or some other (immediately) life-threatening disease so I can only be thankful for that.  And Caleb is one of the healthiest toddlers I've ever seen so that is a huge blessing as many families with one child on the Spectrum usually have more than one or more than one that is sick in some way.

16.  Football.  Bobby and I just bought tickets to the Longhorns' game on Thanksgiving Day as an anniversary gift to ourselves.  Since we got married November 25, our anniversary is somewhat overshadowed by the holidays and the last couple of years we just haven't been able to do much to celebrate.  So this year we decided to splurge a little and just do something we never give ourselves the time to do.  Not to mention, this is my first game and Bobby's first since he was a kid so we are really excited.  I'm thankful for something we both share the same love for and can enjoy together.

17.  Provision.  We were just able to pay off some bills that have been hanging over our heads for a while now and it feels awesome.  It's always nice when you get a little extra breathing room every month.

18.  America.  As angry as it can make me, everyone who was born here is blessed to have been.  Whenever it feels like it couldn't get worse, go look at some of the other countries you could live and how they run their government or treat their people.  It could be better here but it could also be much worse.  If you don't have rebels kidnapping your children and forcing them to become killers then I think you can be thankful you live in America.

19.  Indoor Plumbing.  I always name that one because I do not like the idea of no running water or using a hole in the ground as a toilet.

20.  Make-up.  Because Peveface needs some make-up to look presentable.

21.  Laughter.  It cures a multitude of ills.  So thankful for the people in my life that keep me laughing.

22.  Coffee.  It's the little things, right?

I'm so ready for Thursday to get here and to celebrate my sixth anniversary all weekend.  Did I forget to mention that Bobby's mom is taking the boys for a few days?  Yay for sitting around the house and doing nothing!  How are y'all spending your holidays?

Month of Thanks

Someone told me today that I needed to write something.  I mean, she basically forced me.  So, here I am, PJ's, laptop, and Funny Girl on the TV distracting me with her flare for the funny and fabulous.  I'm trying to think of everything that's happened since I last posted but because I have a flare for procrastination and forgetfulness, I'm not coming up with much.

Bobby's job got pushed back so he'll be here through the holidays which is awesome.  Our anniversary is in eleven days and Thanksgiving is in three less than that, but we still haven't made any concrete plans.  I'm only not stressing about it because I keep forgetting that it's next week.  Mental note to make plans tomorrow.

I'm really behind on the whole thankful thing people are doing for the month of November, so let's just get caught up with that, shall we?

1.  Jesus.  So thankful for eternal mercy and grace.

2.  Bobby Gene Pevehouse.  There are no words for how grateful I am for that man and all that he adds to my life.  He still thinks I'm pretty and his kisses still make me fuzzy-headed.

3.  Joshua Allen Pevehouse.  So thankful that God chose me for him.  He is the sweetest of sweet boys.

4.  Caleb Brant Pevehouse.  Thankful for his precious laugh and sense of humor.  And that his labor and delivery were so easy.

5.  Electricity.  Being a pioneer woman would have been extra hard.  I'd be all like, "I'm so excited to watch  my favorite television program.  Oh wait, that hasn't been invented yet.  Guess I'll go chop some more firewood so we can take our hot bath for the week."

6.  Food.  We take for granted the options for food we have.  Nothing sounded good to me tonight so I still haven't eaten dinner.  And I had a pot of roast, potatoes, and carrots on the stove.  It's a luxury to be picky.

7.  My Jeep.  It's difficult living where we do and not having personal transportation.  We are very blessed to have two vehicles.

8.  Music.  Really, I always start to sound dramatic when I talk about how much I love music, but I actually love music that much.  There is nothing that articulates human emotion better.

9.  The Bible.  I don't know where I would be without the Word.  Never has there been or will there be a more firm rock of foundation.  Without those promises I would have crumbled a long time ago.

10.  My bed.  Another thing us Americans like to complain about.  I could be sleeping on the ground but I think I'll gripe about how my pillow-top mattress is too soft.  So grateful for that big bed.

11.  My house.  Same point.  Thankful for a roof over my head.

12.  The Internet.  I hate it a lot but it has been such a lifeline since Joshua's diagnosis.  Not to mention I would never have become friends with the "someone" I talked about earlier.

13.  Friends.  Talk about lifeline.  My friends are the same as family to me.

14.  Family.  All of them.  Family is our root system.  They keep us grounded and from getting blown over.



What are some things you're thankful for?  I'll be back with the next week's worth in a couple of days.

The 'C' Word

"If you [merely] love those who love you, what quality of credit and thanks is that to you?  For even the [very] sinners love their lovers (those who love them)."
Luke 6:32 AMP



I'm just going to say it.  There are times, usually when I'm on Facebook or the general internet, that I hate the fact that I am tied to this word, 'Christian'.

I wasn't going to write this post tonight.  In fact, I have an entirely different post that I started a couple days ago and was going to try and finish.  But here I am, and there are some things that I just have to get off my chest.

Why are you saying you don't like that word, Sarah?  Don't you consider yourself a Christian??

I'm glad you asked.  Yes, I do.  And as such, I do my best to live the way the Bible teaches.  I'm not great at it, but I'm better than I used to be.  I have adopted the attitude of never passing judgment on anyone because we are all equally undeserving of God's mercy that He has offered us.  And I'm not even successful with that a lot of times.  So none of this is to put condemnation on anyone.  But do you think if we are going to be representing Christ on this earth as His body that we could maybe act like it?

See, right there...I got some of your attention.  You're all like, Yeah! Amen!  But wait just a second.  I'm not talking about the people you think I'm talking about.  There's a good chance I'm talking about you.  (Actually, don't get paranoid, because I'm not running names through my mind as I write this or anything.)  I'm not talking moral sin in the way of basic do's and don't's of the Bible.

I'm saying, if you are a true follower of Jesus and are attempting to lead people to Him, it would probably help if you were nice.  I can't tell you how many times I see someone arguing the Christian or, dare I say it, conservative side of an argument that I would typically agree with, but I end up wanting to punch them in the face for making the rest of us who aren't ignorant, hateful people look bad.

Yeah, I know that's not a very "Christian" thing for me to want to do.

My point here is that the church has taken this strange turn where we act like we have a right to name-call or speak in a demeaning or condescending way to people just because we believe we are right.  You may be right, guess what?  Jesus still doesn't want you to talk to people like that.

Well, sometimes the truth hurts, Sarah!

You're right.  Sometimes it does...at first.  But then it's supposed to set you free.  Are you setting anyone free?  If the truth you are speaking is your attempt at love, then shouldn't the recipient be able to tell?  Because if, to them, you just sound like a rude, jerk, then you're not being very effective in your approach.

Jesus never encountered a sinner that He didn't speak total truth to, but it's interesting, you never read where someone was totally put off and offended by what He said...well, except for the religious people.  The sinners just embraced Him because they knew who He was.  Do people know who you are?  If you never spoke a word to them would they be able to tell Who you're following?  The Bible says that they would know us by our love.  But the world doesn't see us that way.  It's the total opposite actually.  Conversely, Jesus was never offended by someone else's sin...well, except for the religious people.  He knew that the healthy were not supposed to need a doctor but that the sick did.  All of us who call ourselves Christians were once sick too.

Why are we so easily offended by people?  Over petty things?  Facebook has made it so easy for us to dismiss people with the ability to "un-friend" them.  Don't like what someone has to say?  No problem, I'll just un-friend them.  God will put another laborer in their path.

Now, if you're having this reaction that makes you want to say that I'm all greasy grace and no balance, I will pray that you will (for those who know me) remind yourself of my personality and that I am nothing like that.  But I get the feeling a lot of times like we are focused on problems and not solutions.  That we are putting a face on our enemy and justifying it to ourselves.

The greatest commandment is to love God and love others, right?  Then why is this not the foundation of all our actions and decisions?  Is what you are saying (or typing) motivated out of God's pure Agape love?  Honestly??  Because maybe you need to evaluate your tone or attitude.  You can argue with me on this all day, but think about the fact that you are arguing with someone who is telling you to love someone more.  I'm not saying enable someone more.  I'm not saying keep your mouth shut and never speak what's on your heart.  I'm just saying make sure what's in your heart is filtered through His and that your words line up with His too.

And most importantly, quit being a jerk.

"Let everything you do be done in love (true love to God and man as inspired by God's love for us)." 1 Corinthians 16:14 AMP

"It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly.  Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]."  1 Corinthians 13:5 AMP