Taking Notice

There is no way today is only Tuesday.  It should be Thursday, at least.  This past weekend was one where my children conspired against me in an attempt to test my mental strength.  I'm still recovering, and apparently, so are the days of the week, otherwise they wouldn't be dragging like...like...something that moves very slowly.  See?  Still recovering.

Most of the time life moves on effortlessly.  Each day fades into the next until very few things seem extraordinary or worth writing about.  Life in general gets taken for granted and I wake up every morning and just go about our routine without taking much notice of what's happening.  And then there are days like today where something stops me and I look around and think, "When did this happen?"

When did I become a wife and mother of two small boys?  The sheer absurdity of it all hits me like I've never thought about it before.  I have been married for six entire years.  And I'm not even close to sick of him yet.  I actually grew not one, but two tiny humans in my own body. I then delivered them into the world in a way that leaves every woman who experiences it changed forever, and am now actually responsible for not only keeping them alive, but making sure they grow up into good men who treat women with respect, love God, and don't act like butt holes.  Me.  It's so silly it would almost make me want to laugh if I wasn't also painfully aware of the gravity of this job I've been given.

And that's where my sanity is truly tested.  This overwhelming task that seems like it was meant for someone else, some better equipped female, weighs heavier on my heart than anything else in my life at the moment.  I have this mom-guilt issue that plagues me.  There are very few days, if any, that I make it through without feeling guilty for something, even if it's just a little.  I have this feeling like some other Super Mom out there would have had Joshua recovered by now.  Someone else would have found the key already.  Someone else would split their time between the two boys better than I would.  Someone else would have more patience and be more fun and teach them more.

Then all of a sudden I'm reminded that these are my children for a reason.  And I haven't gotten this far with them on my own.  In addition to having had them with the best possible man for the job, it was God who formed them in the womb, and He is the one who will help shape them.  We aren't doing this alone.  And I couldn't be more thankful for that.

Also, that man I mentioned keeps me sane by simply still putting up with me and not leaving me to figure this out on my own.  I have so much respect for single parents because I cannot imagine doing this by myself.  But there is something about our journey specifically that has bonded Bobby and I more than even just having children did.  Autism has the opposite effect on many couples, but for us it really has made us stronger and galvanized our resolve to stay together for better or worse.

So whenever I glance around and take notice of this life that still sometimes seems above me, I am not only shocked that I've made it this far, but I am also extremely humbled by the plan that seems to be unfolding.  I am never more aware that there is a bigger picture at work than when I see these two boys growing before my very eyes.  And the hand of God has never been more evident in my life than it is right now.