The Big Picture

"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."
1 Peter 5:7 AMP

Once again it's been a while since I've written.  I have excuses but I won't bore you with them.  I'm racking my brain with what has happened since I last updated, but all I can think of is that Joshua is in the middle of potty training.  And let me just tell you, for a non-verbal, nearly five year old, he is killing it.  Sure, we haven't gotten the pooping in the potty part down yet, but the kid is all on top of the peeing part.  He is even beginning to come get me when he needs to go and yesterday attempted to go on his own.  I am so excited about all of this I can't even begin to explain it.  If you only knew the role poop has played in our lives the last couple of years...Well...it's been too big of a role, I'll put it that way.

Sometimes when I start to contemplate the way life has turned out so totally different than the way Bobby and I envisioned it, I laugh a little...but only to stifle the sob that wants to rise up.  Then I think about how much better we are still off than many other people and try to imagine what the bigger picture looks like.  Because if you're a believer in God, then there's always a bigger picture.  And most often, it's much bigger than we can imagine...and much, much bigger than our tiny bubble of reality.

I know this "A" word has ruined me forever.  Even when Joshua is fully recovered, I know in my heart that autism will always be a part of my life in some way.  I have faith for right now, and I have faith for our family, but that just isn't big enough.  My faith is extending to others in our situation and to the autism epidemic as a whole.  I am burdened...so deeply, so intensely there are no words, for the children that are being lost inside themselves.

Most of my day is spent either thinking about autism, or trying not to think about autism.  Hope for Joshua isn't hard for me.  Hope for this entire generation that is being stolen is hard.  It mostly feels overwhelming and impossible but if there's any verse in the Bible most of us have heard a million times it's

"But He said, What is impossible with men is possible with God." Luke 18:27 AMP

I have this need inside me for this season of our lives to count.  For it to not be wasted years that we can't get back and in the future we just try to forget.  I don't want this journey to be something that happened to us that we struggled through until we made it to the other side...something that we just survived.  I want this to be used.  I want it to develop something in me.  I want to be a better person at the end of it.  I don't think I could face myself if when this is over I just say, "Whew!  Glad that's done!", and go on with life as business as usual.

It would be justice for Joshua.  But it wouldn't be enough.

There's a bigger picture at work here that hasn't fully developed in my mind's eye.  It's still blurry and I can't pretend to know what all it entails but I know that if I'm open to it, eventually it will come into focus.

So for right now, I'm not stressing about how we will pay for Joshua's therapy next year.  I'm not going to stew over the emotional toll it has taken on Bobby and I.  I won't even complain about this never-ending daily routine we've been forced into.  Instead, I'll let it all fade into the background of the light at the end of the tunnel where we are embarking on a brand new season of life...one where our personal fight has been won and we are free to fight for others.

"Jesus answered, It was not that this man or his parents sinned, but he was born blind in order that the workings of God should be manifested (displayed and illustrated) in him."  John 9:3 AMP

Unmerited Favor

Zech 9:12
Return to the stronghold [of security and prosperity], you prisoners of hope; even today do I declare that I will restore double your former prosperity to you.
AMP

Yes, that verse again.

Last night Bobby and I were talking about how far he has come in his career since we got married.  It's no secret (though it may be to some of you reading this) that Bobby was in prison for a while before we met.  He was assured that he wouldn't make more than minimum wage the rest of his life and he didn't anticipate much different when he got out.  But this man of mine has a drive and ambition, coupled with a spirit of excellence and diligence, that has helped bring him to where he is today.  He's working in a position now that most in his field have a college degree for, where he only has his GED.  I have watched him over the last five years work himself from the very bottom up...from not even being able to turn on a computer, to being able to teach himself how to use a brand new software for his field.  From being a pipe welder, to getting his foot in the office, to planning and then scheduling, and now basically managing a whole group of planners for a multi-million dollar job.  He is always attempting to do better and learn more...as he says, he has no ceiling.

I am so proud of him, for the man that he is, and the example he will be for my children.  For making the most of every opportunity he was given and never taking anything for granted or growing apathetic in his work.  He doesn't always enjoy it, but he always does it with 110% of effort.

And as proud of him as I am, I am even more grateful for a faithful God who has opened every one of those doors.  We both know that without the supernatural favor of God, Bobby wouldn't be in the position that he is.  The more I read that verse, the more aspects of it I see.  Reading it right now in this context, all I can think of is how directly to Bobby it speaks.  I can see him walking out of that prison and God looking down and reciting this to him.  Not letting him settle for what man would tell him is his fate, but urging him to grab onto the hope of life in God's amazing grace--His unmerited favor towards us.  

The past five years as I watched Bobby step from one stone to the next, I also watched God come through time and time again.  Every time we were presented with an obstacle, it was removed.  He may never be early, but He has always been right on time.  And every time my faith in His promises has grown.  The journey of Bobby coming out of the shadow of his past has prepared me in every way for the journey we are now on with Joshua.  All of those now seemingly tiny trials have seasoned me in the testing of my faith, leading me up to this one.  So now I can look at it and see it for what it is, an opportunity to persevere in faith and hope, to give room for God's glory to be shown boldly, without question.  I know that if I can persist through this and make it to the other side, then I can persist through anything.

Luke 18:8

 I tell you, He will defend and protect and avenge them speedily. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find [persistence in] faith on the earth? 

AMP

I Love...Modern Technology...OR The Power Went Out Yesterday and I Almost Went Crazy

Yesterday after I got home from picking up Joshua, some bad weather blew through and knocked the power out for almost three hours.  Three.  Hours.  Now, I live in the south and am familiar with the aftermath of hurricanes where we have been left without power for weeks.  I also lived in the country for a while before we moved here and the power went out on a regular basis there, most of the time for no apparent reason.  So no electricity is not that big of a deal to me.  However, I've never had the experience with both boys being the ages they are now, or Joshua being so aware of his surroundings that Toy Story being abruptly shut off is an unforgivable offense.  Power outages and Autism do not mix.

On top of the electricity being out, AT&T's service was acting screwy and my phone battery was near death.  Bobby heard that the traffic was backed up for miles and miles so he decided to stay at work so he could be making money while he waited instead of sitting in his car screaming at all the morons.  He ended up staying two and a half hours later than he would have so it was just me and the small children.  There may or may not have been an argument about how long it took him to get home because I may or may not have been about to pull all my hair out.  Speaking of which, I'm realizing that if I actually pulled my hair out all the times that I feel like doing it, I would be crazy-Britney-Spears bald.

So anyway, there we are, in the near dark.  Joshua throwing a tantrum every so often because I still haven't turned his movie back on, Caleb taking the opportunity to get into everything I don't normally let him get into, and me...channeling my Hunger Games persona, going over in my head what furniture might make good fire wood or how long the food in the house might last us before I would have to resort to hunting the birds in the back yard.  I would die almost immediately in The Hunger Games, by the way.  Then, finally, the power beeped back on and it felt a little to me like the end of Lord of the Flies when they're all rescued.  All of a sudden the exaggerated drama dissipates, and life returns to normal, minus a decent dinner and baths because by now it was eight o'clock.

At any rate, this little episode inspired me to bring back the "I Love..." posts.  I know it's not Monday, but really, who cares?  Today I'm thinking of all of life's modern technologies I love and am thankful for.  I know people have survived centuries without them and many still do, but instead of feeling spoiled for enjoying them, I'll just feel blessed and appreciative.

• Electricity.  And everything that is powered by it.  Lights, refrigerators, ovens, central A/C, etc.
• Indoor plumbing.  We take it for granted, but how many of us could handle going outside in an outhouse, or worse, a hole in the ground?
• DVR.  It's one of those things most of us lived without most of our life, but now I would never be able to watch TV without it.  Which actually probably wouldn't be the worst thing ever.
• Internet.  It is a huge time-waster, but it has become invaluable to me in the past year or so.  Especially since we've moved, it's one of the main ways I keep in touch with people and it would be really hard to be without it for too long.  Not to mention I've got at least one really good friend I wouldn't even know was it not for the ability to connect over Facebook and blogs.  Plus, you can literally type in a word or question in a search engine and find everything you ever wanted to know about it.  That's pretty ridiculous and awesome.
• Smart phones.  I hated them for so long and now I'm one of those people that drives me nuts.  Mostly though, I love text messaging.  Another way I keep in touch with everyone.  What would I do with myself if I couldn't text song lyrics or random thoughts to Joy all day long?
• Digital music.  Seriously, so convenient.
• Modern appliances.  The dishwasher, washer and dryer, coffee pot, vacuum cleaner, slow cooker, etc.  I would say microwave...which I use...but I think they probably are horrible machines.  To quote Ellen, "I blame the microwave for most of our problems.  Anything that gets that hot without fire...that's from the devil."
• NFL Sunday Ticket.  Directv makes me so mad, but they've got us attached to the Sunday Ticket.  I mean, EVERY football game EVERY week??  How do you turn that down?
• The iPad.  Another thing I hated in the beginning but now love.  I never would have bought one if not for Joshua and it has been the best investment for him.  Not to mention, it helped save my sanity for a while yesterday when the power was out.

What are some of the modern technologies you love?

Prisoner of Hope

Lately, we have had some awesome progress with Joshua.  If we are Facebook friends, then you probably saw my posts about him saying 'drink' and 'sit down' last week.  This was preceded by more than a week of perfect bowel movements, which you may or may not know, is miraculous in itself for him.  We have been working hard on getting his gut healed with bio medical intervention probably more than we have anything else and it seems like it's finally happening.  Also, the weeks before that I had asked everyone who intercedes for him to begin targeting his gut and eating issues specifically when they pray.  So now here we are, he has been eating things that are not SCD legal, but mostly GF/CF, and his poop has been great.  That's when I really started taking extra notice of his behavior and lo and behold, that's when he said those words.  


Just to reiterate for those of you who aren't as familiar with all of this...When I say Joshua is non-verbal, I mean NON-VERBAL.  Zero words.  Zero attempts at words.  So for him to say not one but actually three words that were discernible to his therapist is HUGE progress.  I am so grateful and eagerly awaiting the next thing he says and praying I get to hear it.  I actually think he told me to 'go' the other day at the back door but I'm not 100%.  If you go long enough not hearing anything, you second guess everything you do hear, because you assume you're just being hopeful.  I guess now I will start paying more attention to the sounds he is making.


"Return to the stronghold [of security and prosperity] you prisoners of hope; even today do I declare that I will restore double your former prosperity."  
Zechariah 9:12 AMP


I have been marinating in this verse for a couple weeks now.  The phrase 'prisoners of hope' struck me in my heart.  I've asked myself a hundred times, what does it mean to be a prisoner of hope? 


It's no longer being captive to worry and anxiety, but being so tied to that anchor (Hebrews 6:19) that we cannot escape it.  Not just being held firmly stable by it, but guarded by it also.  Taking refuge in the stronghold instead of being oppressed by it.


It's an odd choice of words, actually.  When you think of being a prisoner, you don't think of it being something positive.  While thinking about all of this I remembered this story I'd heard about a family of slaves.  There was a law passed freeing some slaves, but then another that if you did not return to the state you came from then your freedom was revoked.  So part of the family would be forced to be separated again if they wanted to maintain their freedom.  So the one family member legally bought the others, so that he technically owned them, but only so they could stay and live out the rest of their lives with family.  So by the law they were still slaves, but in reality were treated as free because their owner was family.


There is so much symbolism in that I can't even go into all of it right now.  But it's much like being a prisoner of hope.  I am shackled to the hope of abundant life because I believe wholeheartedly in the promise of salvation in Jesus.  Hope owns my thoughts and my speech.  I don't do anything unless hope dictates it.


It is hope that has led me this far on Joshua's journey, and it is hope that will see it through.  

Just a Few Pics

I realize I haven't posted anything about our trip since we've been back so here are a few pictures for your viewing pleasure.  I'll have something with a little more substance coming soon.

He is basically against smiling in pictures.

This was on the ride out and it's probably my favorite picture of the trip.

Fish.  We didn't catch as many as we had hoped but we did leave with some.  Janeil laughed at how I kept saying that Bobby and I caught more fish than everyone else, but it's true.  I mean, it's not a competition or anything but...if it was, we won.  These are about half of what the group caught over our whole trip.  We ate most of mine before this picture was taken, I think.

 I realize most of my pictures were taken at sunset, but I could never get over how pretty it is coming straight down into the water.  No land on the horizon is exciting and daunting all at the same time.

Notice how I'm the only one not holding up the fish.  And I actually wasn't the only female on the trip, the other is taking the picture.

 I'm such a girl in my pink fishing stuff.

And that, my friends, is a good-looking man right there.

Letting it Out

I don't know what's worse...


Emotions that are quick to surface...so quick they make you look totally out of control, or emotions you don't know are even there until they've got you by the throat.  For the record, I hate emotions in general.  I hate that I have them when I don't want them and I hate when people I do stupid things because of them.  I'm a firm believer that we have power over our emotions, but usually only once they've initially shown their face.  I realize they are helpful to the human experience, because without them we'd all be a bunch of crazy sociopaths, but balance is key, and, like most things we humans deal with, achieving balance in this area seems difficult.


This is something I personally feel like I've made huge strides in.  I mean, if you compare me now to me six or seven years ago, I would say I'm much less led or controlled by my feelings than I used to be.  Not always, and not always immediately, but I generally try and check what I'm feeling against what I know to be real or put it in perspective of a bigger picture.  Line it up with Scripture and see what wins out.  Everything I'm supposed to do and should do to make sure I control my emotions and they don't control me.


Here's the problem (that I literally only noticed ten minutes ago)...


True to my personality, I've swung to the opposite extreme instead of the middle.  I'm realizing there are a lot of times now when I just don't let myself feel anything at all.  I know this started as a survival skill when things with Joshua began to heat up.  I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager and I had to find a way to keep myself from crawling into bed and never getting out again.  Not to mention this season also coincided with a time in my life where I first started getting jaded about relationships.  


The result, I'm recognizing right now at this computer, is that any time I start to feel anything more than typical every day stuff, I shove it down like I'm burying it at the bottom of a drawer.  Like I said, I know I've somewhat needed to do this just so I could function, but now I'm exhausted from it.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we need to feel it.  Sometimes we need to cry or yell or freak out.  I need to let myself feel all of the bad stuff because how else am I going to get it out of me?  I know I'm starting to sound very shrinky but this is what I'm thinking about tonight.


I feel guilty for Joshua.  I know it's ridiculous, but there it is.  I feel like I did a million things wrong and maybe if I hadn't things would have gone differently.  I know in my head I shouldn't feel that way, and I would tell someone else they shouldn't feel that way...but right now I have to acknowledge I do.  If for no other reason than someone else might recognize they aren't the only ones and be able to let go of it.


I feel sad over a relationship in my life that has mostly come to an end.  I am almost more angry at myself for being sad, because I don't want to care but I most definitely do.  I thought I was just angry...apparently I'm much more than that.


I am angry that my child is carrying this diagnosis.  I don't want to be angry about it, and I am less angry than when we began...but still.  Injustice makes me angry and he has suffered an injustice.


The awesome thing is that God knows my heart more than I do and none of this comes as a shock to Him.  I can let all of this crap out of me because He knows what to do with it even if I don't.  I don't want to be an emotional mess all of the time but I also don't want to be a robot.  Here's to remembering that sometimes we just need to let it all out.


"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."  1 Peter 5:7 AMP


"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [curing their pains and sorrows]."  Psalm 147:3 AMP

Tidbits

Jesus freely forgave the woman caught in adultery but said...



John 8:11
...I do not condemn you either. Go on your way and from now on SIN NO MORE. 
AMP (Emphasis mine)


The only people He ever publicly rebuked were the self-righteously religious.  But on the cross He still said...



Luke 23:34
 ...Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
AMP


What is there to learn from this? 


Mercy is not conditional or based on who is deserving.  It is not the freedom to continue in what we have been forgiven of.  It is for EVERYONE, ALL THE TIME.


And neither the secular world nor the church has accomplished this balance of forgiveness.


Should we have mercy for those who are full of remorse for what they've done and promise to never do it again?  Yes.  If they do it again, should we still have mercy for them?  Yes.  If someone has no remorse for what they've done, should we still forgive them and desire God's mercy for them as well?  Yes.


If Jesus didn't seek to condemn the sinner or the zealots who murdered Him, who is there left for us to seek condemnation for?





Rom 3:21-24


21 But now the righteousness of God has been revealed independently and altogether apart from the Law, although actually it is attested by the Law and the Prophets, 


22 Namely, the righteousness of God which comes by believing with personal trust and confident reliance on Jesus Christ (the Messiah). [And it is meant] for all who believe. For there is no distinction, 


23 Since all have sinned and are falling short of the honor and glory which God bestows and receives. 


24 [All] are justified and made upright and in right standing with God, freely and gratuitously by His grace (His unmerited favor and mercy), through the redemption which is [provided] in Christ Jesus, 
AMP