Letting it Out

I don't know what's worse...


Emotions that are quick to surface...so quick they make you look totally out of control, or emotions you don't know are even there until they've got you by the throat.  For the record, I hate emotions in general.  I hate that I have them when I don't want them and I hate when people I do stupid things because of them.  I'm a firm believer that we have power over our emotions, but usually only once they've initially shown their face.  I realize they are helpful to the human experience, because without them we'd all be a bunch of crazy sociopaths, but balance is key, and, like most things we humans deal with, achieving balance in this area seems difficult.


This is something I personally feel like I've made huge strides in.  I mean, if you compare me now to me six or seven years ago, I would say I'm much less led or controlled by my feelings than I used to be.  Not always, and not always immediately, but I generally try and check what I'm feeling against what I know to be real or put it in perspective of a bigger picture.  Line it up with Scripture and see what wins out.  Everything I'm supposed to do and should do to make sure I control my emotions and they don't control me.


Here's the problem (that I literally only noticed ten minutes ago)...


True to my personality, I've swung to the opposite extreme instead of the middle.  I'm realizing there are a lot of times now when I just don't let myself feel anything at all.  I know this started as a survival skill when things with Joshua began to heat up.  I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager and I had to find a way to keep myself from crawling into bed and never getting out again.  Not to mention this season also coincided with a time in my life where I first started getting jaded about relationships.  


The result, I'm recognizing right now at this computer, is that any time I start to feel anything more than typical every day stuff, I shove it down like I'm burying it at the bottom of a drawer.  Like I said, I know I've somewhat needed to do this just so I could function, but now I'm exhausted from it.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we need to feel it.  Sometimes we need to cry or yell or freak out.  I need to let myself feel all of the bad stuff because how else am I going to get it out of me?  I know I'm starting to sound very shrinky but this is what I'm thinking about tonight.


I feel guilty for Joshua.  I know it's ridiculous, but there it is.  I feel like I did a million things wrong and maybe if I hadn't things would have gone differently.  I know in my head I shouldn't feel that way, and I would tell someone else they shouldn't feel that way...but right now I have to acknowledge I do.  If for no other reason than someone else might recognize they aren't the only ones and be able to let go of it.


I feel sad over a relationship in my life that has mostly come to an end.  I am almost more angry at myself for being sad, because I don't want to care but I most definitely do.  I thought I was just angry...apparently I'm much more than that.


I am angry that my child is carrying this diagnosis.  I don't want to be angry about it, and I am less angry than when we began...but still.  Injustice makes me angry and he has suffered an injustice.


The awesome thing is that God knows my heart more than I do and none of this comes as a shock to Him.  I can let all of this crap out of me because He knows what to do with it even if I don't.  I don't want to be an emotional mess all of the time but I also don't want to be a robot.  Here's to remembering that sometimes we just need to let it all out.


"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."  1 Peter 5:7 AMP


"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [curing their pains and sorrows]."  Psalm 147:3 AMP