Jehovah Jireh

Today was awesome.  


That one sentence could have been my entire post tonight.  It was THAT awesome.  Actually most of the day was pretty routinely normal, but there was this one thing that elevated it to awesomeness.  That thing was God being God, which for some reason always sort of surprises me still.  


So I know I told all of you a while back about the scholarship we got to pay for Joshua's ABA therapy.  And that because the insurance was going to start covering it as well, then the scholarship would only be paying for our co-pays so the fund would last us about a year longer than it would if they were covering it at full price.  Well what I haven't updated about was that the insurance did agree to pay...they just hadn't started actually paying yet.  We (naively) assumed agreeing to pay for it meant they would send a check the next day or something.  They didn't.  So all this time the scholarship has been paying out at full price (Thirty hours a week at $50 an hour, compared to a $50 co-pay per day), and depleting much more quickly than we had anticipated.  


This issue quickly became something that was nagging at me in the back of my mind so I would pay attention to it and freak out.  Like, "Hello, don't forget, the money is running out and you might have to add $1000 a month to your bills, or cut back on how much help your child gets."  I hate those stupid thoughts.  So, I partially went into ignore/denial mode and partially went into faith/expectant mode.  I thought, "Surely God didn't orchestrate this entire situation just to drop us now..."  


And guess what??  He didn't.


We'd been waiting on someone to contact us when the insurance finally started paying, but hadn't heard a word about it in probably over a month.  So, like I said, I've been walking around thinking and praying about the situation off and on since then, hoping that I wouldn't instead end up with a phone call to let us know the scholarship had run out and the insurance still hadn't sent any money.  And then today when I picked up Joshua, I noticed a note in his backpack.  I opened it up and at first my heart dropped because the first line read...


"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Pevehouse,


We have received your last scholarship payment this month from F.A.C.E.S..."


In the minuscule amount of time it took to read that sentence, I had about eighteen million thoughts about what our next step would be and how we would be able to get Joshua the help he needs.  But then I kept reading...


"The insurance company has also begun to reimburse us.  We will use the scholarship funds to go toward your daily co-pay...You shouldn't owe anything until January of 2013."


What happens is when the insurance finally reimburses, the money goes back into the scholarship fund, because the school has already been paid.  The organization that gives out the scholarship then agreed to use that money to cover our co-pays until it runs out.  So what really happened is we used all we could use of our amount paying full price, and now we will get to use our full amount in only co-pays.  We got a double portion!


I seriously cried before I was even done reading the letter.  As many times as God has shown up for us, I'm still always amazed when He does.  Why do we do that?  It's not that I didn't really think He would provide...my faith has become more real to me than I ever thought was possible since this journey began.  


But there's something about that moment when you realize your faith was just validated.  When the confirmation arrives and the weight is lifted and you see your belief wasn't for nothing.  All of a sudden something you were expecting arrived and now you can add it to the long list of stories you can tell about the unfailing faithfulness of a God with a relentless love for His children.  And the next time you have to demonstrate your belief in who He is, your faith comes back a little stronger, and a little more girded.  


Today was awesome.



Mark 9:23
And Jesus said, [You say to Me], If You can do anything? [Why,] all things can be (are possible) to him who believes! 
AMP

Telling on Myself

One of the most common compliments I've gotten in my life has been that I am so "real" and "transparent".  I appreciate this as I appreciate any compliment, but it always feels a little strange to hear because it's not something I associate with being a skill.  It's not something I make any conscious effort toward, as a matter of fact, it's more due to my lack of skill at covering up my emotions.  At any rate, I think it's good to share our faults and downfalls with others, ya know, so we don't get all caught up in measuring ourselves against other people who are probably measuring themselves against us.  It's part of the reason I love the Bible, all those people who screwed up so majorly but were still used by God.  David's my favorite example, by the way.


So anyway, I thought I would share a few things I've done recently and things I do on a regular basis and probably shouldn't.  Judge me, if you dare.

• In case you didn't know, Joshua is on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet.  If you aren't familiar with it, it's very strict, and definitely doesn't allow popcorn.  I happened to make some popcorn for Caleb, assuming Joshua wouldn't want any, and guess what?  He wanted some really badly, I felt horrible like I was teasing him with food, and I let him eat the dang popcorn.  But don't worry, I've already done penance for that one in the way of cleaning the worst poop ever out of the upstairs carpet (bad poop is what happens when he eats things he shouldn't).  I thanked God for the inventor of the Rug Dr. today.
• So what had happened was...OK, I have been trying to work on my language lately.  It's gotten progressively worse over the last year or so and I am having the hardest time I've ever had in getting it reined in.  It doesn't help that I feel extra guilty about it because Bobby is one of those Old School types who thinks it's a turn-off for women to cuss.  Well, the other day I was in the car and for some reason or another, I let a four-letter word slip.  Of course, like something out of my nightmares, my sweet little baby Caleb promptly decided to repeat me.  I can't get the kid to say, "Momma" for anything, but this he says right away.  Needless to say, I immediately knew my foul language days had to be over, because I definitely can't have the first word Joshua ever says be...well...ya know.
• Any time we have orange juice, I never pour a glass.  I always drink it straight from the jug.  Unless Bobby's around and then I humor him.
• I text and drive.  I know, I know.  I don't need a lecture, this is also something I'm working on and know better than to be doing.
• I eat Taco Bell.  And I love it.  I know it's garbage, but that Cheesy Gordita Crunch owns me.
• I watch so much T.V., it's embarrassing.  Seriously.
• I spend way too much time on the internet.  Equally embarrassing.
• I care too much about what people think of me.  But not only that, I attempt to pretend like I don't care at all.  Because of this, it's really hard for me to take criticism, especially from the people I really love the most.  I have battled insecurity my whole life, and I am still trying to recognize it in the small areas it creeps into.
• I make zero effort to conserve water.  Like, none.  As much more green as I've gotten (than I was, not compared to people who really are green-living), this is one area I just don't have the concern over.
• I love my husband too much.  OK, OK, I had to have one of the fake ones in there.
• I really love sleep.  If I was still 27, but without kids, I would still be sleeping until noon every chance I got.
• I have a major sweet tooth, and ice cream is my favorite.  Actually, just add all junk food to this one.
• Even though I quit smoking way back when I got pregnant with Joshua, I still want it on an almost daily basis.  If I walk past someone smoking, I start to salivate.  For real.  I'm not just exaggerating.  
• I rarely get a load of laundry finished without having to re-heat it in the dryer about three times before I can fold it.  And then it takes me about a day and a half to get the folded stuff put up.  

Well, that's a start, but I'm sure I'll have to do more of these in the future.  What are some of the things you could tell on yourself about??

A Just Weight

This week has been weird.  I don't know how to explain it, it just has been.  And not in a definitively good or bad way...just weird.  And by this week, I mean this week in my brain.  It feels like my mind just will not slow down.  I have so many things I'm thinking about...constantly thinking about.  But it's not just the typical list of things I need to get done, or things I start to stress over and then have to remind myself to have faith about.  It's deep stuff.  And again, not "deep" as in, "Oh, look how profound I am.", deep as in the deep things in me.  The heart things.  The stuff you might ponder between yourself and God, but never really discuss with other people, but not for any particular reason.  I am probably making no sense right now, but there it is.

The main theme of everything in my brain lately has been balance.  I use this word a lot, but that's only because I struggle with it in my own thoughts so much.  My natural, flesh reaction to most things is an extreme.  I lived in these extremes for a long time, so long that now I crave the peace and stability you find from being equally weighted on all sides.  Personally, one of my biggest wars for balance is in my own perceptions of parenthood. This morning I was reminded of the balance between being grateful for God's blessings and allowing yourself to admit that everything about being a parent isn't traipsing through a field of daisies, and then also the balance between being a good housekeeper and remembering that quality time with your kids is just as important to fulfilling your role as "homemaker".  It's the difference in juggling a bunch of balls in the air as opposed to carrying them around in a basket.  That's a pretty big difference if you ask me.

It made me wonder why we are so inclined to look at things from one angle.  And it got me thinking, REALLY thinking about how much we lack balance in the church (and obviously the world) because it is so easy to fall into a mindset that is locked into one facet of God.  And it's so easy because the only way not to is with the Holy Spirit.

Let me explain.

I believe (despite what many would say) that it is possible to have scripturally-based beliefs, to speak truth, and to not water down these convictions and still walk in love and compassion and mercy toward other people, even the ones who don't agree with you (after all, Jesus did it).  But to do this, you have to have the balance of the Holy Spirit in your life.

Let me back up.

I think the issue the church (and non-believers) have that causes extremism (the bad kind) is not really knowing who God is and understanding His WHOLE person.  Most of the time this happens because the Holy Spirit gets pushed to the side, and left out of the trinity all together.  People don't feel like they understand Him, so they ignore Him and stick with the ideas of God that they are comfortable with.  This is how I see it.  Either people (remember this is including the church) see God as the Father, who they equate with the Almighty, the Judge, the One who rebukes, and disciplines, and smites.  Or they see God as Jesus, the One who loves unconditionally, so I'm alright and you're alright.  Neither of these views are accurate mind you, but it's the overwhelming opinions you would receive.  The problem with these views is that the trinity doesn't mean we have three gods, it means we have One God, who reveals Himself in three forms, but has always been wholly God in all three.  Before the beginning, God was always, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  Likewise, people get confused about Jesus because they base their beliefs on Him either being only all man (so He was just a man), or only all God (so that's why He could do all those things), or half of each.  The truth is that he was all man AND all God.  It's the basis of His mystery.  We call Him God's Son, but we forget that He was also God with us, God in a man's body.


2 Cor 5:19
19 It was God [personally present] in Christ, reconciling and restoring the world to favor with Himself...
AMP

I personally think this verse repudiates a couple of doctrines but that's another blog for another time.

Stay with me, I have a point.

What I'm getting at is that Holy Spirit is the Great Equalizer of God.  He's not only God on the throne, and God with us on earth, He's God IN us.  The Holy Spirit is the only reason anyone ever comes to receive salvation, because without Him we don't have the revelation that we need a Savior.  Despite this, we somehow think we can attempt to know God without Him.  We become either hateful and judgmental or we become people who have a misconstrued idea of what God's love is.  The fact is the Father is also the Son and Spirit.  Jesus is also the Father and Spirit.  Holy Spirit is also the Father and Son.  You can't pick and choose, because He is all of those people.  If you take away one aspect, you become off balance.  Not only in beliefs, but in life.  How you treat people.  How you talk.  How you view the things going on around you.  If you only know the Old testament God, then you won't understand the necessary mercy and grace of Jesus, so you won't extend it to others.  You will live and die and be judged by the law that the Bible says wasn't fulfilled until Jesus came.  If you only know Jesus, then you won't have a full understanding of why He came in the first place, and everything that He accomplished with His sacrifice.  If you know both, but not the Holy Spirit inside you, then there is no power to access what the new covenant brought with it.  And that leads me to ask, if we aren't accessing the power we were given, then just what in the heck are we doing anyway?  (By the way, I'm not suggesting you can be saved and not have the Holy Spirit inside you, just that people don't always recognize Him.)

I know this may seem like pretty elementary stuff to a lot of you, I just thought I would put it out there.  We need balance so desperately in the church today, because I believe that a church who knows God more deeply and intimately is a church that is more effective in bringing Heaven to earth.  A church that is more in unity with each other and therefore better equipped to go out and be the "body".  Presenting a gospel that is not fragmented, but whole...truthful but loving.


Prov 11:1
1 A FALSE balance and unrighteous dealings are extremely offensive and shamefully sinful to the Lord, but a just weight is His delight.
AMP

The Littlest Pevehouse

I feel like every time I sit down to write, I start to begin with, "It's been a while...".  I seriously have to get better at this.


After reading my more recent posts I started feeling bad about the lack of blogging devoted to Caleb.  Even though this blog did begin as a way for me to write about all the stuff going on with Joshua, I don't want it to seem like Caleb gets pushed to the side.  We really try and give both boys equal amounts of attention.  So, I've also thought about writing some bios on each of us and this has led me to today's post which will be all about the littlest Pevehouse.


Caleb Brant was born May 25, 2010.  He had a head full of hair and looked like he might belong to some other (more ethnic) family.

First, let me go back a little farther to when we picked his name.  I have a huge thing with the meanings of names.  If I find something I like, but it has a weird meaning or no actual meaning, then I have to keep looking.  I always liked the idea of doing Joshua and Caleb, but most of the meanings you find for Caleb say 'dog' or even 'rage like a dog'.  Needless to say I wasn't thrilled.  I found a couple that said something along the lines of loyal but mostly they revolved around other dog-like qualities including tenaciousness, which to my momma's mind translated to stubbornness. Not exactly what I had in mind.  Besides, he would get plenty of that from genetics alone.  We looked at lots of names but Bobby kept bringing me back to Caleb so finally I agreed we would just go with the name representing who Caleb was in the Bible.  Not to mention at the time we still lived on "The Promised Land" so that was hard to pass up.  Then one day my mother-in-law reminded me of how the Bible says that Caleb had "a different spirit", and she believed God was saying that's what our Caleb was going to usher in to this season of our lives.  That was plenty of confirmation for me.

 {photos by Lacy Hampton Photography}

The word about the 'different spirit' has never left me, but it's just been recently that I've realized what it's been all about.  Caleb has added so much joy to our lives.  He is our constant source of comic relief and I have a feeling he will always have that spot in our little family.  In the moments when the road with Joshua has seemed overwhelming, and dark, Caleb has remained the little ball of life and light that keeps us smiling.  None of this is said to diminish the joy Joshua also brings, because for all of our grief over him, he is an extremely happy child and is always reminding me that he isn't having as hard of a time as we are.  But Caleb has offered us the joy of seeing our child develop the way typical children do, the opportunity to delight in milestones we still haven't reached with Joshua.  At first, this was actually very bittersweet.  Almost more sad, than happy.  But eventually we came to a place where we weren't going to let our hurt over one child, stifle the excitement over the other.  Caleb has brought us a glimpse of that light at the end of the tunnel and I can't imagine this stage without him.

He is the busiest of toddlers.  He never stops moving, and he never stops grabbing.  He climbs, and pulls, and squirms and runs as fast as his little turned in feet will allow him to (he's still wearing the braces at night). He talks and talks and talks, although most of it is in a language only he speaks.  He is easily amused and just as easily irritated.  He is independent and particular and doesn't need your help with anything (or so he thinks).  He loves baths, music, and letting Joshua bounce him all over the trampoline.  After almost 20 months of life, he still fights having his diaper changed or putting on clothes, probably because he has to be still longer than he likes.  He laughs and laughs and laughs and makes us laugh even more.  Joshua's baby nick name was Pork Chop and if we're a family of pig names, then Caleb is definitely the Ham.  He's already a ladies man and accomplished flirt and I pray for what this means for us later on in life.

I love our little Caleb boy more than words can express, and I am so thankful that God blessed us with him when He did.  He was our extra dose of joy right when we needed it.

Numbers 14:24

But My servant Caleb, because he has a different spirit and has followed Me fully, I will bring into the land into which he went, and his descendants shall possess it.  

AMP

Mad Skills

Earlier I found a sippy cup in Caleb's room as I was putting him to bed, and my stomach turned when I saw it because I had no idea how long it had been in there.  Even worse, no idea of what was in it.  Juice that had possibly fermented is one thing, almond milk or a smoothie is something else entirely.

I would like to interject a fun fact about myself: I have a pretty weak stomach normally.  If you're looking for my Kryptonite, well there it is.  Blood or a gross smell usually does it.  You could probably add my "list" of words I hate to the Kryptonite group, but that isn't relevant right now.

So, as I was bracing myself to wash out this cup (that I seriously considered just throwing away), I thought about how if I hadn't developed the "breathe-through-my-mouth-instead-of-my-nose" instinct like I have, then I would probably have a much harder time taking care of little boys.  And that got me thinking of all the awesome Mom Superpowers I now possess.  So here is my list of Mad Mom Skills...or Skillz...depending on how gangster I'm feeling.

• First, of course, is the one I just talked about, breathing through my mouth to avoid disgusting smells.  If you don't have children, this alternative to being grossed out by stinky things might have never occurred to you.  Then again, if you're a twenty-something young man still living by yourself I'm sure your kitchen has warranted plenty of nose-plugging.  The skill here is doing it without using your hands.  You look like you're breathing normally, but you can't smell a thing.  I do this on a daily basis, especially when changing a certain Caleb Brant's diaper. (For real, the kid is rotten inside or something.)
• The next one follows the whole smell theme.  If you know me at all, you know I have a super heightened sense of smell.  And yes, this is a curse when it comes to the whole weak stomach thing.  But something cool about being a parent is that the disgusting parts are slightly less disgusting when it's your own child.  So because of our..."adventures", with Joshua, I can now smell poop from the opposite side of the house.  No dirty diaper will go unnoticed if I'm within 100 feet.
• I've got that whole "eyes-in-the-back-of-my-head" thing going for me already.  It's like I know every sound that is specific to every object in the house.  And what actions are specific to silence, e.g., climbing on the kitchen table, or chewing on a tube of diaper rash medicine.
• I communicate pretty well with a completely non-verbal 4 year old and a 19 month old who only speaks gibberish (plus a couple unhelpful words).  It's the oddest thing, but it starts when they're infants and you learn to distinguish their cries.  This one means hungry, that one means sleepy, this one means he's angry at the Cowboys, etc.
• I can wipe a snotty nose faster than a speeding bullet.  
• When Joshua still used a pacifier, I used my super hero immune system as a shield so I could clean it off when he dropped it.  The moms reading this know what I mean.
• I can figure out the most complicated of car seat fasteners.  This also goes for high chairs and strollers.
• I can sleep through a hurricane (or Bobby's alarm and morning ritual at 3:30 a.m.) but the second I hear a little boy whimper I'm wide awake.  Only God knows how my brain tells the difference.
• I can carry forty pounds of sleeping toddler up a flight of stairs without missing a step, but I can't do a full push-up.  It's a total mystery.
• And my personal favorite...I've learned to laugh at situations that would make most people want to cry or have a nervous breakdown.  It's a survival instinct, I think.

Well, that's the short list...Any moms out there have any they want to add?

Best. Christmas. Ever.

Apparently I can be a little Scrooge-ish around Christmas time.  I fully embrace the idea of celebrating the night that God came near to us, the birth of our Savior into the world...but I have some hang-ups with the Pagan roots of most Christmas traditions.  Not to mention, the excessive materialism it has ingrained in America's children. I mostly push these things aside to focus on the aforementioned "reason for the season", but sometimes the Grinchiness seeps through.  Plus, this year was the thinnest Christmas Bobby and I have had since we got married so I was kinda bummed about not being able to join in all that materialism I say I hate so much.

See how that works?  We humans can be pretty hypocritical.  It's shocking to me that anyone can point a finger at hypocrisy when we've all been guilty of it on some level.

Anyway, I thankfully married someone who loves Christmas like he's still five years old himself.  It helps in the balancing act of relationships I've talked about before.  So I try and make sure he remembers it's about Jesus and not Santa Claus and he makes sure I remember it's also about joy and child-likeness.  Which brings me to the main reason we've both had a bittersweet past couple of Christmases. 

One of the things we both couldn't wait for after having Joshua was the time when he would be old enough to get really excited about Christmas.  We would laugh and talk about how he probably wouldn't want to go to sleep and he'd get up super early, dragging us out of bed to go open presents.  Well, this year he is four and up until this point none of our expectations of how Christmas would be with small children had come to pass.  We've never been able to get him to open gifts and it usually ended with us opening them, and then trying to force him to sit down and look at them, hoping they would grab his interest.  Which also never worked.  Eventually he would wander over to the new things but our grandiose ideas of gift-opening never panned out.  

So cut to Christmas Eve at Bobby's parents, and neither of us really anticipating anything other than the usual.  Then out comes the drum set LaVonne got Joshua and something amazing happens...he goes right over to it and starts banging away.  He loved it!  He was smiling and happy and actually excited about a present.  And then something else happened...

He started opening everything!

On top of all that, Caleb was really loving all of his stuff too.  We had two little boys running around, taking turns on the drums, fighting over dinosaurs, and ultimately spending time trying out every new gift.

He couldn't even wait to get it out of the box...

Bobby and I just sat in awe with tears in our eyes, feeling like anything was possible after experiencing the purest joy I've ever known.  The year we'd spent the least amount of money turned out to be arguably the best Christmas either of us ever had.  Here we were, upset over not being able to give all we wanted to, and God gave us this reminder of Himself.  The reminder of His covenant love that began when a common Jewish girl yielded herself as a vessel and gave birth to our ultimate gift in a stable.  I don't believe in focusing on Jesus being a baby (because He isn't anymore) or Jesus hanging on the cross (because He isn't there anymore either), but I do believe in Christmas as a time to remember HOW He came to us.  In the most discreet way, with the least amount of fanfare as possible.  His time on earth began and ended under a mantle of humility.  And this year, I was once again humbled by His mercy and grace that He continues to pour out on the most undeserved.  

The Smallest Cloud

     So, I'm trying to get better at this blogging thing.  I still haven't found anyone to help me with getting it really pretty looking and whatnot, but mostly I'm kinda bad about writing on a regular basis.  It's a combination of not having anything to write about, having too much to write about, not having time, and having time but not having the mental energy to form intelligible sentences.  Plus, I'm my own worst critic so after I post something I feel good about it for about five minutes and then I re-read it so many times I've come up with about twenty things wrong with it.  Which then leads to overwhelming anxiety about ever writing anything ever again.  But then I remember why I do this in the first place and decide to windmill kick my insecurity in the face (a move I can only perform metaphorically...just in case you were wondering).
     
     I also have a hard time evading the rabbit trails.


     Last week Joshua said Hi.  I was picking him up from school and when I said Hi to him (admittedly not really expecting a response), he said Hi right back.  Well sorta.  It sounded like any small child who is just learning to talk and doesn't say everything clearly right at first, but it started with an 'H' sound and followed my inflection perfectly.  He mimicked, which is another huge deal all by itself.  Add on top of that, the therapist who was with us when it happened said he did the same thing earlier that day with the word 'Yay', and I was in total shock.  I spent the whole rest of the day trying to get him to say it again and trying to get him to say pretty much every other word I could think of.  I always talk to him and prompt him to answer or repeat me, but that day I was doing double time.


     "And Elijah said to Ahab, Go up, eat and drink, for there is the sound of abundance of rain.  So Ahab went up to eat and to drink.  And Elijah went up to the top of Carmel; and he bowed himself down upon the earth and put his face between his knees And said to his servant, Go up now, look toward the sea.  And he went up and looked and said, There is nothing.  Elijah said, Go again seven times.  And at the seventh time the servant said, A cloud as small as a man's hand is arising out of the sea.  And Elijah said, Go up, say to Ahab, Hitch your chariot and go down, lest the rain stop you."  1 Kings 18:41-44 AMP (emphasis mine)


     Here are some things I've learned after reading and re-reading this passage about a hundred times over the last few weeks...

• Elijah heard the sound before the cloud ever appeared.  God spoke it, so he knew it was a done deal and only a matter of time before he saw it manifest.  Elijah knew His voice, so he had no reason to doubt.  The bible says God watches over His word to perform it...if He speaks it, you can bet it's going to happen.  It's my favorite attribute of His, this unrelenting faithfulness and constantly UNchanging character.
• Elijah took and maintained a position of prayer even though he knew the rain was coming.  God said it.  He heard the sound.  But he still prayed.  ("Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly];" 1 Thess. 5:17 AMP) AND he prayed until the circumstances changed.  He was so persistent he wouldn't even move enough to go look for himself.  I'm not saying this suggests we lay aside every responsibility we have to lay on the floor in prayer all day, but I do think we can take the same continuous position of prayer in our attitudes, words, and thoughts.  And it makes a difference.
• He moved to action at the smallest possible evidence of a coming rain.  The servant didn't come back and say that the biggest storm he'd ever seen was rolling in, but Elijah didn't need that to know it was on it's way.  Just a wisp of cloud.  Just the crumb from the Master's table.  Just the hem of His garment.  That's all Elijah needed to hear...
• Ahab better get going, because the rain is coming.  

     No matter what I do I can't get away from this story.  I know when Joshua said Hi it was my teeny, tiny cloud way off (or not so way off) in the distance.  He hasn't said anything since then, but that doesn't phase me.  I can hear the sky opening up.