Poop, Marriage and The Golden Girls

James 1:3-4
3 Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.
4 But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.
AMP

     It's Sunday night, all three of my boys are in bed, and I'm sitting here in peace and quiet watching The Golden Girls.  A perfect ending to a surprisingly enjoyable weekend.  Perfect because, well, what is perfection if it isn't Betty White?  And surprising because it followed the week from Hell...as my mother-in-law would call it.  Apparently, I wasn't the only one ready to shave my head and run screaming through the streets this week.  Isn't it funny how we're always shocked to find out we aren't the only ones with problems?  Anyway, it was stressful for me to say the least.  Definitely one of the deep parts of this trial and proving of my faith.  

     We started Joshua on that diet I mentioned in my last post and it's not going so well.  And that's putting it mildly.  The child has not had a bite of solid food since last Monday night.  He is drinking diluted juice and fruit smoothies only.  This accounts for the part of the week where I had my monthly meltdown.  Joy and I were commiserating on how embarrassed we always feel after a good breakdown, and I said I feel that way even when no one is around to see it.  I want so badly to be that strong mom from the movies.  You know the one.  The one you see in some Lifetime movie (that you're only really watching because there's nothing on t.v. and that song from the trailer keeps getting stuck in your head) who is going through some crisis in her family where she is the tough, strong one holding everyone else together.  But what I've noticed from these movies is this:  The characters are inevitably allowed one good, hysterical, crying fit about three quarters of the way through.  Also, movies most usually do not do a great job of reflecting real life.  So, after some imaginary calculations I decided one huge meltdown a month and then two smaller ones somewhere in between are sufficient.

     All of that being said, this one lasted for a few days off and on.  Joshua was refusing food all week even though I knew he was starving and on top of that Bobby and I had an appointment Friday to meet with a new "school" for Joshua.  My brain was on overload and my emotions were fried.  I am not the best wife when I'm in this state.  I previously thought the statistic for divorce rates among parents of children with ASD was 80%.  But I found this information that suggests that number is far from the truth, though couples do go through difficult trials as a result of this diagnosis.  There's that word again...'trials'.  Anyway, Bobby and I have not been immune to this commonality.  Men and women react differently, the end.  But, I'm bringing this up because I believe we are reaching a turning point.  We are both realizing that despite our communication breakdown and super-charged emotions over the subject, our end goal for Joshua is the same.  And instead of taking our frustrations with the circumstances out on each other, our energy is better invested toward that common goal.  This was the beginning to the surprisingly enjoyable weekend I mentioned earlier.  We didn't do much, as this new diet and the general routine of our daily lives doesn't allow for many outings, but we enjoyed each other.  I don't know how to explain it, except to say that it felt so much more like normal than things have in a long time.  Our normal isn't the typical normal, of course.  For example, today Joshua pooped six times total, and the last one I had to clean out of the carpet, but I was so happy over the fact that all six were perfectly normal and not diarrhea, that the carpet cleaning didn't phase me one bit.  Normal poop is not very normal for us, you see.  

     I guess what I'm trying to say is that I recognized once again, why I'm so thankful for this awesome man I call my husband.  This situation has nearly broken both of us, but when we have these times where I remember I'm part of a team, it makes reality more bearable and hope seem more within reach.  I feel stronger...and blessed beyond comprehension because I don't have to walk this road alone.  I love you, Bobby!

Matt 19:6

6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder (separate). 

AMP

     

The Middle...Part 2

Mark 4:22
[Things are hidden temporarily only as a means to revelation.] For there is nothing hidden except to be revealed, nor is anything [temporarily] kept secret except in order that it may be made known.
AMP

     Once again, it's taken forever since I last posted.  I am dying to be able to post here on a daily basis, but haven't been letting myself because I want to finish telling what's lead us up to this point in our lives.  So, let's get on with it.

     To make an extremely long story somewhat shorter, we began taking Joshua to a pediatrician who now specializes primarily as a DAN! doctor somewhere around June of 2010.  In the first round of testing we found out that he has hypothyroidism (like me), and has a wheat allergy (along with a few others) and a casein (milk protein) intolerance.  This explained a lot, right off.  Joshua has major food issues, and at that time would only eat chicken nuggets, fish sticks, yogurt, and a few assorted snacks.  Basically, EVERYTHING he would eat, he was allergic to.  They told me this is very common because it's like a drug addict, the effect of the allergy makes them crave what they are allergic to.

     On top of the diet change, we also started adding supplements as the tests were indicating he needed them.  We have been going for over a year now, and Joshua's day consists of upwards of 20 different supplements.
     Actually, as I am writing this we are starting an even stricter diet (SCD), and cutting out some of the supplements because they contain ingredients that are "illegal" on this diet.  The poor guy's gut is in such bad shape, we are having to take more drastic measures to get it healed.
     In the middle of all of these blood, urine, and stool tests, I came across some books by Jenny McCarthy.  The first one, "Louder than Words: A Mother's Journey in Healing Autism" and a second one, "Mother Warriors".  Up until that point, I had refused to look up anything to do with autism on the internet because I didn't want to scare myself.  I was still pretty sure that's not what it was, although I was beginning to realize that we were dealing with something beyond a speech delay.  I hadn't even finished the first book when the realization hit me like a 2x4...Joshua is somewhere on the Autism Spectrum.  I wasn't sure of the extent, but I knew in my heart if we had him evaluated, that's what the diagnosis would be.
     This is the part of the story where I probably would have laid in bed sobbing like a baby for a couple weeks, if it hadn't been for the extra information I was getting in this book.  And the more research, I did, the more I found confirmation from parents all over the country...  The horrible toxins in our environment, air, water, food, household cleaners...and vaccines especially, are arguably the main cause of the rise in autism numbers in the past decades.  I was outraged when I learned that now 1 in 110 children in the U.S. are diagnosed with some form of ASD.  A number that climbed right along with the insane amount of vaccines we now give our children.  I'm not going to get into the vaccine issue much in this post, but I will say that before the vaccine schedule was initially increased in the 1980's the autism rate was at 1 in 10,000!  Many will argue that we are just better at diagnosing it now than we used to be, but there are other mental disorders whose rates have remained the same and we are seeing a significant increase in other childhood diseases and disorders as well, including ADHD, learning disabilities, diabetes, and rheumatoid arthrititis.  Anyway, my point here is that instead of just being overcome with sadness (though I absolutely was), I was enraged.  I think I walked around ranting and raving in my brain for weeks as the more research and reading I did, the more I realized that what we were walking through with Joshua could more than likely have been prevented if our government and society wasn't so money-hungry and listened to parents.
     So here we are, Joshua was diagnosed this past April and we have been in the process of trying to find ABA therapy for him since then.  We moved over an hour away from any of our family, but our options for different therapies was very limited living as far out in the country as we did before.  This stage of our life has been, by far, the hardest and it has been a constant up-hill, one-step-forward-two-steps-back ordeal.  BUT, I remain convinced that what the Lord has began in Joshua, He will finish.  Another thing I learned from these books is that a large majority of parents are seeing their children actually LOSE their diagnosis all together once their guts and minds begin to heal from the toxic burden they have been carrying.  I don't need more than that.  I have the Word of God that promises my son an abundant life and the testimony of others that this is more than possible, even within the confines of natural means.  I have to believe and expect a total and complete healing for him.  My Momma Heart didn't come with an "Accept Defeat" reaction.
     

The Middle... Part 1

Heb 6:19

19 [Now] we have this [hope] as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul [it cannot slip and it cannot break down under whoever steps out upon it — a hope] that reaches farther and enters into [the very certainty of the Presence] within the veil,
AMP

     A bunch of you are probably wondering why it took me so long to get to this next part.  Well, first of all, we've been in a transition and finding the time and resources (internet) to do so has been pretty difficult.  But mostly, I have to be honest, this next part is somewhat overwhelming to me.  I have a lot of ground to cover but at the same time I don't want this to turn into a book either...at least not yet ;)  So bear with me and I'll try to do this as painlessly as possible.  Also, when I get this history part over, it won't be taking me as long in between posts.

     Right in the middle of all of this, I became pregnant with our second child.  He was planned and we definitely had to try a lot longer for him than we did with Joshua.  We always said we wanted at least two kids.  I had always wanted four boys but something about that first time around changed my mind immediately.  Maybe it was the sickness, exhaustion, constant urination or maddening back pain.  Maybe it was the horrendous delivery.  Who knows, but by the time Joshua was here, I was doing good to agree to a second one.  We were thrilled when we found out we were about to complete our little family with another boy, and eventually agreed that the name Caleb was fitting.  I mean, Joshua and Caleb living on The Promised Land?  How could I pass that up?

     But before he was born, the anxiety over Joshua and what was really going on with him hit me full force.  Naturally, I started questioning all kinds of things we don't want to admit we question in the privacy of our own head.  Like, did we make a mistake having another child in the middle of all this?  Would he have the same issues as Joshua?  How would we be able to split our attention between the two when Joshua was already requiring more than a typical child (forget that we hadn't even stepped into the next phase where our whole lives were turned upside-down)?  But somehow I managed to push all of those doubts down with the knowledge that no matter what happened, God was still on the throne and still in control.  It was all gonna be ok and no amount of worrying would change anything anyway.  And then, along the way, I was just overcome with peace that this was going to be Joshua's journey and not Caleb's.  I have little worries shoot through my mind (as I'm sure any mother would), but I still believe that today.
     So, when I was about eight months pregnant and trying to figure out what our next step with Joshua was going to be, I had, what I consider to be, a divine appointment.  Even though I had crossed paths with this person many times before, we had never formally met.  This particular day, a conversation was spurred by a comment my mother-in-law had made from the pulpit about how we were believing for a miracle for her grandson.  A subject she had never mentioned in public before that time, by the way.  This woman asked if it was ok for her to ask what had been going on with Joshua.  I told her simply that he was almost three and wasn't talking yet.  She asked me a couple more questions and then began to tell me about her son, who at 5 years old had the speech level of a two and a half year old.  He had also been diagnosed with PDD-NOS and she began doing a lot of research.  They found out that he had a severe Zinc deficiency and once he was supplemented, his language exploded.  A year later he had the speech level of a six and a half year old.  The zinc supplementation (along with tons of other vitamins, supplements and therapies) are part of what I didn't know at the time, but now know is biomedical intervention.  It sounded unbelievable to me.  She then started asking me seemingly odd questions about not only his behavior, but his eating habits, sleeping patterns, and even bowel movements.  Even more odd, she seemed to know the answers before I gave them.  She told me that there has been much progress lately with children with an Autism Spectrum Disorder or developmental delay and through different interventions, some children are recovering, even to the point of losing their diagnosis.  Sounds amazing, right?  Well, if I'm being honest, the only thing I could really focus on was the "A" word and I knew I didn't want to go anywhere near that direction.  Not only would Bobby freak out, but there was no way Joshua fit into that group. Up to this point, that subject had been brought up and skirted around by different people, but I never bought into it.  I mean, kids with autism aren't affectionate, they rock back and forth, they scream and throw tantrums all the time, they're even violent.  Joshua was none of those things.  Even his pediatrician asked me questions that I knew were to screen for autism, but seemed satisfied that he was fine.  So maybe a small part was denial, but a large part of my stance at this point was ignorance.  Plain and simple.
     Besides, I wasn't going to speak something like that over my child.  I needed to stay in faith, not doubt.  If I refused to label him with a diagnosis, that diagnosis couldn't overtake him.
     ...
     Nope.  Apparently, not how it works.  If someone has cancer, it's a fact.  They have cancer.  BUT, here's how it DOES work.  There are facts and we have to recognize these circumstances as reality.  But there is also an absolute truth.  When we say, "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN..." we are invoking this absolute truth.  The truth in Heaven is different than our truth, and as believers in the resurrection power of Jesus, we have access to that truth.  So, Heaven can come to earth in our personal circumstances and override what the natural facts are telling us.
     But, I'm getting ahead of myself.
     After I thought about it for a while, I decided I would email her and get some more information.  I mean, she did say they treated for developmental delays and he definitely fit into that category.  And we were running out of options.

The Beginning

     I'm not entirely sure what my motives for this blog are other than just mostly needing an emotional outlet.  I'm a writer at heart, and though it's been years since I've kept a consistent daily journal, I've never been quite as adept at articulating my feelings in person as I am through writing.  Or typing, since this seems to be the popular medium these days.  I actually started this back in August and continuously talked myself out of posting anything.  I kept waiting for various things to happen and finally realized I couldn't write a blog about faith at the end of the journey quite as well as I could during the journey.  In fact, this whole 'embracing the journey' thing has been a battle for me and it's still something I have to remind myself of on a daily basis.
     At any rate, the natural circumstances of my life in the past two years have led me, my thoughts, and my emotions in a million different directions...and yet, somehow, in one specific, determined direction, all at the same time.  And now I find myself needing to get it all out of me like my sanity depends on it.  I've learned some things (I say 'some', because 'most' things I'm still learning) while walking this road, and I'm thinking that sharing all of this revelation could, at best, be encouraging or helpful to other people, and, at worst, help me at least feel better.  Really a win/win for me either way I look at it.  So, I've said all of this to say that I hope what God's taught, and is teaching me, can help faith arise in some of you...and if not, it will help me take inventory of what this situation has produced in myself, and, overall, my faith in His unfailing faithfulness.

     So, since this is the first post, let's start at the beginning.  My name is Sarah, I'm 26, and I am the proud mother of the most precious little boys I could have ever asked for.  My husband's name is Bobby and he is the absolute love of my life.  I know this because on the days I feel like strangling him, I don't.  Strangely, the love overpowers the emotions of the moment, and I end up feeling like Alli at the end of The Notebook when she goes back to Noah.  He looks out the window to her, and all she can do is shrug her shoulders, suitcase in hand, because she knows that no matter what happens, she'll always be so hopelessly in love with him that every other option just ends in misery.  I know that probably sounds disgustingly exaggerated, but it's the truth.  Some days I want to punch him in the face.  Most days I love him more than the one before it.  I'm mentioning this because the 'some days' have been slightly outweighing the 'most days' recently.  Don't ask me how that's possible, it just is.  The point is, sometimes crap happens in life and the relationships closest to you are the ones that go through the hottest parts of the fire.  

     We got married in November of 2006 and were surprised to find out a few weeks later that we were expecting our first child.  A honeymoon baby in every sense of the phrase.  Joshua was born August 23, 2007 and our worlds changed forever in an instant.  Well, more like in 7 hours of labor and 3 (yes, 3) hours of pushing...but, you get the point.  We both quickly realized that love, as we knew it, had ended and transformed into something we hadn't realized existed in such a capacity.  I was struck with the realization that as much unconditional love as I felt for this child, it merely scratched the surface of the Father's love for us.  All of a sudden my perspective on God and how He really does love and care for His children changed dramatically...because now I had something tangible to compare it to.  And even that, I know, isn't an equal comparison.
     The first year was like something out of a Parenting Handbook fantasy world.  He was (and really still is) one of the most calm and relaxed children I've ever seen.  Even as a baby, he slept through the night early on, and only cried if he needed something.  All of his motor skill milestones came either early or right on time, and we didn't have to work with him much to get him there.  In the beginning, it felt like life was just rolling right along the way we planned for it to...the way it was "supposed" to.  I didn't notice it at the time, but that was the top of the downward slope into his developmental delay.  He was about 12-18 months old when we realized, not only was he not beginning to talk more, but the few small "words" he previously used seemed to vanish into thin air.  His pediatrician told me that by most standards he should have at least 15-20 words in his vocabulary at that point.  He had zero.  We decided the first step was to get his hearing checked out.  Really hoping all along that there was something wrong so we would have a quick-fix solution to the speech problem.  After having to put him under anesthesia to get his ears cleaned out so the doctor could get a good look at his ear drum we found out that his hearing was perfect.  Back to square one.  I thought the next step should probably be speech therapy.  Bobby was less thrilled about the idea because he was still of the opinion that even if he was a little behind the norm, he would eventually just grow out of it and start talking on his own.  Regardless, I found somewhere for him to go and he started going to speech twice a week.  That went on for a year.  Twice a week driving an hour each way for thirty minute sessions (his attention span couldn't handle any more than that...keep in mind he was still only two years old).  When he was first evaluated he scored at having the speech level of a 12 month old (and I think that's only because they probably don't have a level lower than that, like I said he had no vocabulary to speak of).  They predicted a year of therapy would be close to getting him caught up.  A year later, minus a few new sounds and saying what sounded like attempts at words here and there in his sessions, he was still scoring on the same level.  By all methods of measuring speech, he still wasn't past the level of a one year old.
     This is when the walking by faith thing really started giving me issues.  I think I was blindsided at how very little my true faith in God and His sovereignty had been tested up to this point.  We were about to see what my convictions were made of.  Unfortunately, like I said, this was only the beginning.
     Turns out the problem with faith is that it isn't faith if you have what you're believing for in your hand.  You have to keep believing.  You stand and stand and when you've done everything there is to do, ya know what?  You stand some more.
     This is the point, looking back, that I was really needing some answers and God really delivered.  Strangely enough, I didn't notice it at the time as much as I am right this minute.  Funny how that works, isn't it?  This is the point in the story where we hit a dead end and there was no direction to go except the wall we were ramming our heads against.  I felt like screaming, "I've been faithful!  I've been believing!  I do everything I'm supposed to do and You're no where to be found!"  I mean, hadn't I?  I prayed, and confessed and commanded and rebuked and prayed some more.  I reminded Him every day that I was ready and had faith for something to break THAT day, and every day I went to bed confused as to why it hadn't.  It felt like my heart was being ripped out and no one around me understood.  All I could see was that something was wrong and I didn't know how to fix it.
     BUT GOD...

...To be continued...