Tuesday, August 28, 2012

This and That

Caleb almost set a teddy bear on fire today.

Yes, I'm serious.

I had just pulled a load of clothes from the dryer and was beginning to fold them on the couch when I look up and see Caleb, who has crawled up onto a chair at the kitchen table, dangling poor Blue Bear over a lit candle, preparing to drop him.  I yelled like he was about to catch himself on fire and apparently scared him enough to make him pull the plug on his horrible plan.

He has also pulled a nightstand down on top of him, fallen off a dresser, and busted his nose on the concrete in the past couple weeks alone.  Oh and we can't forget a bloody lip last night that we never discovered the cause of.  Joshua actually isn't so accident prone anymore.  Although, the last thing he did was fall 15 feet from our second story so I'm pretty thankful he's reeled it in some.


I've been trying to go through two houses worth of stuff the past couple weeks in an attempt to get ready for a garage sale I'm having this Saturday and it's made me painfully aware of how my babies are not babies anymore.  Bags and bags of clothes that I will never put on another infant.  We decided we were done after Caleb came along so this is not a new concept for me to wrap my head around, but there's something about seeing those tiny clothes and shoes and blankets that reminds you how little they were and no longer are.  All in all though, I'm excited to be cleaning out all of the clutter and getting things more organized around here.  Rosh Hashanah is right around the corner and what better time to get a fresh start on things, am I right?

Speaking of which, we are re-applying for the scholarship that has paid for Joshua's ABA so far.  We aren't sure what our chances are for a renewal but we figured it couldn't hurt to try.  Pray that the progress Joshua has made so far with the program will motivate them to continue helping us.  This would be another huge burden lifted from us.

I plan on writing a post solely devoted to football in the next week or so but I have to make mention of how close the season is.  Just one week left until I get to pull my hair out over the season opener for the NFL and less than four days until the Longhorns kick off their season in NCAA football.  Some people look forward to the holidays, I look forward to this.  It's the most wonderful time of the year, after all.  Or something like that.

Anyway, how is your week shaping up?  Anyone as excited over this upcoming season as I am?

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Five. Years. Old.

Josh 1:9
Have not I commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

One of these days I will post things more than once a month.

I had to take a minute and acknowledge today, August 23, 2012, as being Joshua's fifth birthday.  Five.  Oh, the things that can fill up five years so easily, so quickly.  Bobby and I have always described our years of marriage as "full" years.  Our anniversary rolls around and we can't believe how much has happened or changed in such a relatively short amount of time.  Kid years, as any of you parents know, are much, much shorter.  You always here the cliche, "They grow up so fast," before you have children, but then you have them and you realize it's not cliche (except that it's used so often), it's the absolute, God's-honest truth.

Joshua's first five years have not been the typical years of most children, but they have been overflowing with love, not just from us, but from all of our family and friends.  He is adored by so many and we are so very blessed by this awesome support system surrounding us on all sides.  From the moment he entered this world, he's been causing us to age at record speed, scaring the crap out of us with his brushes with death.  But he has also shown us the hand of God in those same instances, and I have never been more aware of the ever-present host of angels watching over us.  He has challenged us and inspired us.  He has brought us overwhelming joy and the first glimpse at unconditional love we ever experienced.

His birthdays tend to be very bittersweet for me, because every year passed is another we can't get back, another reminder of the obstacles he is facing.  This was supposed to be the year he started kindergarten.  I was supposed to be buying school supplies and dropping him off and crying all day over how big he is getting.  Instead I am crying over what he is being robbed of and missing out on.

This is where I say screw that.

I am going to celebrate the life of the sweetest boy to ever grace this earth.  I am going to be grateful for the privilege of being his mom and getting to walk this walk with him.  I am going to praise God for the hope I have in Him that things won't be this way forever and one day (even soon) he will get his first day of school too.  The faith I have carries me over the anger and onward to the promise.  Joshua has a promise and the passing of time doesn't take away from that.  Dwelling on the hard part would be a disservice to him and I won't do it.  It's a happy occasion to say he's lived another year and grown leaps and bounds from last year. So I'm going to be happy, dangit!

My baby is five years old today and I'm so happy he's my five year old.
Happy Birthday, Joshua Allen :)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Emo Coaster

Tonight, I blog.

Lots of times, more so recently, I have to make myself sit down and write.  Then there are times like tonight, where the words and thoughts and ramblings are screaming to get out.  The emotional and mental overload is too much and I need a way to empty and restart.

I want to start off by saying I would hate for this blog to become my own personal pity party where everything I write about is how hard life is and blah blah blah.  If there's something I can't stand it's self-pity and a victim mentality.  There are just usually too many things in life to be thankful for when we measure it up against the grand scheme of things, and I hate wasting energy feeling sorry for myself.

Like right now, Joshua is doing so well.  He's said, "all done" MORE than once at school (side note: I use the term school loosely.  He doesn't attend a typical school, it's an all day ABA program that is basically year round) and is picking up the potty training more and more.  He's improving with his use of the picture system they created for him to communicate with and flies through any new programs they give him.

But then there's the flip side to that, which is what has me so needing to write.  His gut is in horrible shape and I'm having to decide whether or not to switch him back to only smoothies again.

And so it goes with this thing we call Autism, one step forward, two steps back.

Over and over and over again.

If there was ever a life issue that was an emotional roller coaster, this is it.  Something happens that gives my faith a boost, and then that thing seemingly evaporates.  Or we have a stretch where it feels like we aren't making any progress, and then all of a sudden Joshua does something big and I'm encouraged right when I need it.  Up and down and backwards and around.

I know people wonder why I am doing any of this at all...why I refuse to accept that this is just the way life will be for him...but I'm not sure how anyone who is a parent could ask that question.  You never quit fighting for your kids.  You just don't.

And then there's this:
"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows)."  John 10:10 AMP

That is our promise if we believe it.  I wouldn't have chosen this ride but I'm thankful for the hope I have for an end.

I mean, after all, you don't jump off a roller coaster right in the middle because you're scared, that would be worse than finishing.  So you white-knuckle that bar, scream like a pansy, possibly vomit or wet yourself or both, and just ride that baby to the end.  And once it's over, it doesn't seem like it was so bad after all and you're off to the next one.

Great, now I have Red Hot Chili Peppers stuck in my head...