"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."
1 Peter 5:7 AMP
Once again it's been a while since I've written. I have excuses but I won't bore you with them. I'm racking my brain with what has happened since I last updated, but all I can think of is that Joshua is in the middle of potty training. And let me just tell you, for a non-verbal, nearly five year old, he is killing it. Sure, we haven't gotten the pooping in the potty part down yet, but the kid is all on top of the peeing part. He is even beginning to come get me when he needs to go and yesterday attempted to go on his own. I am so excited about all of this I can't even begin to explain it. If you only knew the role poop has played in our lives the last couple of years...Well...it's been too big of a role, I'll put it that way.
Sometimes when I start to contemplate the way life has turned out so totally different than the way Bobby and I envisioned it, I laugh a little...but only to stifle the sob that wants to rise up. Then I think about how much better we are still off than many other people and try to imagine what the bigger picture looks like. Because if you're a believer in God, then there's always a bigger picture. And most often, it's much bigger than we can imagine...and much, much bigger than our tiny bubble of reality.
I know this "A" word has ruined me forever. Even when Joshua is fully recovered, I know in my heart that autism will always be a part of my life in some way. I have faith for right now, and I have faith for our family, but that just isn't big enough. My faith is extending to others in our situation and to the autism epidemic as a whole. I am burdened...so deeply, so intensely there are no words, for the children that are being lost inside themselves.
Most of my day is spent either thinking about autism, or trying not to think about autism. Hope for Joshua isn't hard for me. Hope for this entire generation that is being stolen is hard. It mostly feels overwhelming and impossible but if there's any verse in the Bible most of us have heard a million times it's
"But He said, What is impossible with men is possible with God." Luke 18:27 AMP
I have this need inside me for this season of our lives to count. For it to not be wasted years that we can't get back and in the future we just try to forget. I don't want this journey to be something that happened to us that we struggled through until we made it to the other side...something that we just survived. I want this to be used. I want it to develop something in me. I want to be a better person at the end of it. I don't think I could face myself if when this is over I just say, "Whew! Glad that's done!", and go on with life as business as usual.
It would be justice for Joshua. But it wouldn't be enough.
There's a bigger picture at work here that hasn't fully developed in my mind's eye. It's still blurry and I can't pretend to know what all it entails but I know that if I'm open to it, eventually it will come into focus.
So for right now, I'm not stressing about how we will pay for Joshua's therapy next year. I'm not going to stew over the emotional toll it has taken on Bobby and I. I won't even complain about this never-ending daily routine we've been forced into. Instead, I'll let it all fade into the background of the light at the end of the tunnel where we are embarking on a brand new season of life...one where our personal fight has been won and we are free to fight for others.
"Jesus answered, It was not that this man or his parents sinned, but he was born blind in order that the workings of God should be manifested (displayed and illustrated) in him." John 9:3 AMP